I hope you studied part III

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I have been taking you on a magical journey through high school exams. Part One and Part Two.

Giving exams can be quite different from taking them. One of the most frustrating parts of exams is the students who chose not to do the review for the exams. I know I am a great teacher, but you really want me to believe you learned an entire years worth of math so well that you do not need to do any review problems? You flatterer you. Those students are always the first ones finished. I cringe when they set their test down and the front page is covered in mistakes.

Students like that make you understand why someone would want to drink at work. I never would, but I know the feeling of students making you want to drink. There are even t-shirts that say, if you taught highschool you would drink too. Speaking of drinks, I wonder how I can sneak booze into my mother in-laws for memorial day? Should I just flask it? Or go with the Smirnoff in a water bottle? It would be so much easier if drinking wasn’t against their religion. I am just trying to be like jesus and feed the people wine.

As the kids all slowly finish their test, there is always that one still going. They make eye contact and then quickly look away. Knowing I am waiting for them to finish and them alone. It is an intense moment. I try not to look at them, so they will not feel any pressure. Believe it or not I want them to do well on the test. I know you thought I was in teaching for the money, so one day I could go on house hunters international.

Who are these people buying million dollar vacation homes and how do I become friends with them? I have yet to break into this elite group. And watching them on tv is killing me. Must be nice 25 year old couple buying a home in the bahamas because you just want to get away from your stressful life. Must be nice.

As the students all leave for the year I often wonder what I will do without them all summer. Who will fill me in on the latest boy band songs? What will I do without someone telling me how awesome it is to get a driver’s license? And of course what will I do without the daily reminder that every other teacher lets their class go to lunch early?

I always leave my students with this advice- be good and if you can’t be good be safe.

I hope you studied part two

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Yesterday I began a wonderful story of the most amazing time in a students life exams.

Each moment during an exam passes so slowly I could swear it stopped. Or maybe it was just the people father time employs playing a cruel cruel joke on me. Damn you father time, control your employees.

2 hours left alone with my thoughts. Scary.

I often think of Sookie in true blood and hope no one can hear my thoughts. Which makes no sense, as I share my thoughts freely with all of you.

In Louisiana seniors get out of school a few weeks earlier than the rest of the high school. I cannot remember if I got out early as a senior. Is this common place in every state? Why would senior year be shorter than other years? I guess they learned all they needed to know.

I used to row crew in college. There was a girl on my team, lets call her Roxanne. Every time we would go to the gym and workout on the ergs (the rowing machines) it was beyond like a porno. People are known to moan when they workout, but this was beyond moaning. It was full out Samantha sex and the city moaning. Maybe we should have said something to her. Can you imagine if her boyfriend had heard her workout then they had sex and she was quiet. Talk about awkward.

I wonder what goes through peoples mind that think everyone should have a right to bully someone. Do they realize that means someone could bully their kid? I don’t think they realize what the kids do on the internet to each other today. Then again sometimes it is those parents doing the bullying.

I bet those parents wouldn’t be so uptight if they had not had to wear those short shorts for so long.

Oh good now 30 minutes have passed.

 

 

 

 

 

I hope you studied

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Semester Exams are upon us. Students fear them, teachers dread them, and parents sit at home and pray. The whole exam process is intense right up until the exam. Once the exam has begun there is nothing left to do except hope you have studied enough.

image from http://kaykaynewman.files.wordpress.com

As a teacher an exam means sitting in silence for two hours and staring to make sure no one has wandering eyes. As you glance about the room it is quite the amusing sight. There is always the student who has to look around the room, but is careful that they are never looking at someone else. The student who is holding back the tears, as they realize they do not know how to answer a single question. The student who falls asleep in the middle of the test. The student who finishes early and tries to flirt across the room with the popular girl in the corner.

It can be quite boring with nothing to do for hours each day. Thus my mind wanders. I thought I would share with you where my mind wandered today.

First, I noticed a student had hot pink tie dyed socks. And I thought I really love socks. I used to where knee-high rainbow socks with the toes every day. Socks are just so great. You can slide across the wood floor on them. They keep your feet from getting dirty. I should really start wearing socks again.

image from www.campist.com/

I am so uncomfortable. I wish I could sit with my knees up, but that is unprofessional. Sure the kids are sitting like that, but you are the adult. Act like a lady damn it. I went to a conference and this old woman asked me why young people sit with their legs up and not proper, and how she always yelled at her students for it. I shrugged and said it is a generational thing. I value comfort over what I am ‘supposed’ to do. You value what you are ‘supposed’ to do over comfort. She did not buy it.

Maybe she could explain to why men used to not only wear short shorts, but it was normal. OMG. Just the pictures of it have given me nightmares. Weren’t they afraid they would fall out? Why was this ever acceptable?

Then, Papa don’t preach came into my head. Not the Madonna one, but Kelly Osbourne. Gosh I miss the Osbourne’s on MTV. SHARON!!!

And I looked up at the clock and noticed ten minutes had past. Dear God.

 

To Be Continued…

Late Afternoon Thunderstorms

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The long lazy southern summer is upon us. Every where you turn there is another sign. Late afternoon thunderstorms. Cicadas mating sounds echoing off the trees.  The thickening of the air with every breath you take.

I firmly believe it is the summers that truly turn someone southern. Something about the thick air, the front porch swinging with a paper fan and glass of sweet tea, that just changes your soul. The long conversations with friends as you suck the head of the spicy crawfish. Your bare feet on the cold summer grass as the kids run outside to play kick the can before the street lights turn on.

Just thinking of my summer evenings makes me weak at the knees. The warm caress of the summer evening wraps itself around me as I walk down my quiet neighborhood road breathing in the quiet whispers of the night.

I have a torrid love affair with the south as you all know. It is one of those passionate relationships that is either ecstasy or turmoil. Almost an addiction. No matter how bad the south treats me, I just cannot seem to walk away. I yearn for her even more. I want those wide open spaces, and beds of wild bluebonnets the dixie chicks always sing of. Just not the cowboy that comes with it.

 

To be thankful everyday

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I thought in an anti-complaint effort, that I would write about all the wonderful things in my life.

1. My daughter-

She is the most amazing person I have ever met. So full of joy, stubbornness, and glitter. It is the perfect combination. Just getting to experience the world with her is more than I ever imagined my life would be.

a true southern woman

2. My wife-

Growing up I would here people say that they knew the moment they met someone they were in love. I could not understand this concept, until I met wifey. She is everything I was missing, that I did not even know could be filled.

image from keturahweathers.theworldrace.org

3. My family-

We have had our ups and downs, but hands down I love my family. They are kind and compassionate people. My sister might be my favorite. How can you not love someone who makes up dancing to harry potter and puts it on youtube?

4. My health-

I must confess I am pretty good health, as far as I know. Of course my dental hygienist thinks I need to floss more, and she would be right. But for today I am healthy.

image from www.decisivemagazine.com

5. My blog- of course

I have met so many wonderful people in the wordpress world who have shown me more kindness than I could have ever imagined. Just being able to write everyday and share it with you truly brings me peace.

 

Oh you thought I was listening?

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How often do you complain? How often do you have to listen to other’s complaining?

image from 4.bp.blogspot.com

Everywhere I turn someone has something to complain about. Sometimes it is little, such as they did not want to wake up this morning. Sometimes it is big, such as the world is out to get them.

I am so full of other peoples complaints. I was unaware that I carried around an invisible complaint box everywhere I went. I too have a life and struggles. It never fails that who ever is complaining, never asks me how I am doing.

Maybe you too have been carrying around said box. I feel your pain.

It is time we fought back. And here is how we will start.

1. Respond with: how thankful you are that you have clean drinking water, do not have cancer, or any other extreme example pointing out how petty they are being.

2. Respond with: talk to the hand because the face ain’t listening. I did this to my friends in middle school all the time and it totally worked.

3. Respond with: Gosh, your life is so terrible, does anything good every happen to you?

4. Respond with: Oh I’m sorry were you talking to me? I was busy thinking about how awesome my life is.

5. If all else fails respond with: Those goddamn (insert liberal, conservative, etc depending on the person) are ruining america! and storm off.

All in the name of a good time

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That awkward moment when you realize you work in the lame department at work.

I came to find out that the middle school teachers at my school are the cool kids I wish I was hanging out with.

They go out on friday nights,  they play practical jokes on each other all the time, and have stories that start with “we were out drinking.”

I know I give off the coolest kid in school vibe, but alas, I am not. Sure being the token lesbian gets me a base cool factor, but it is not enough to overcome the fact that I was a token white kid in the asian video game club. No I was not nerdy enough to play the games, just a groupie to the gamers. Even went to nerd  college. Although, I did have some good times in college.

It was raining and I decided what would be a good idea would be to get the fraternity brothers to have a mud fight in the rain in the big muddy pit left from the road construction. Which was much a better idea than the time I decided to mud wrestle someone in the YMCA parking lot, while I was on the clock and still in my lifeguard uniform, in high school.  Once the epic fight was over we decided to run to the fountains in the quad to rinse off the mud. As we run through campus we passed a bunch of freshman going to orientation, who preceded to tell us what diseases we would get from running barefoot in the rain. I yelled back “this is the most fun you will see anyone having here during your five years here.” And we then used dish soap to wash all the mud off.

Even nerds can get crazy sometimes.

 

I’m arriving on a sin wagon

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Keeping in line with the sin theme. I thought I would give you some good sin lovin music !

So when you are staring at yourself in that crappy bathroom mirror, thinking about how awesome you are, sing a little something like this. I know I will be

He pushed me ’round
now I’m drawin’ the line
He lived his life
now I’m gonna go live mine
I’m sick of wastin’ my time
Well now I’ve been good for way too long
Found my red dress and I’m gonna throw it on
‘Bout to get too far gone

Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition
Need a little BIT more of my TWELVE ounce nutrition
One more helpin’ of what I’ve been havin’
I’m takin’ my turn on the sin wagon

On a mission to make something happen
Feel like Delilah lookin’ for Samson
Do a little mattress dancin’
That’s right I said mattress dancin’

Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition
Need a little bit more
of what I’ve been missin’
I don’t know where I’ll be crashin’
But I’m arrivin’ on a sin wagon

When it’s my turn to march up to glory
I’m gonna have one hell of a story
That’s if he forgives me

Oh lord please forgive me

Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition
Need a little bit more of that sweet salvation
They may take me
with my feet draggin’
I’ll fly away on a sin wagon

I’ll fly away on a sin wagon

~Dixie Chicks

The Finer Things

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What’s your poison?

Coffee? Cigarettes? Booze? Romantic novels? Italian men ?

image from google images

Growing up we are taught about the evils of the world. Well, little southern baptist boys and girls are. Don’t swear, Don’t be a slut, Don’t drink, Don’t look like a slut, Go to church, Don’t date a slut. The list goes on.

But how bad are these things?

What is bad? What is good?

The king fu master turtle in Kung Fu Panda says there is no good or bad news only news. On the tenth time of me watching this wonderful film, I began to ponder what is that old turtle saying?

Of course there is bad and good in this world.

But are all of the things we are worrying about, truly the end of the world we imagine them to be?

If I have my health, and my family, is it the end of the world if I say the word fuck?