Motherhood Times Two

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Here I am folks three months in to having two children. An almost 3 year old and a 3 month old. People told me that having two kids would be a nightmare similar to the zombie apocalypse. I was scared, hell I was terrified. Turns out having two kids rocks! It is way better than having one.

 

Here are some of the wonderful moments I have had since having two kids:

  1. Every morning my oldest comes in and looks at the baby. She gets the biggest smile and exclaims, “She got bigger  mommy!”
  2. My oldest is dramatic. As in a bug looked at me, so I need ice, a band-aid, juice and I will cry for five minutes, dramatic. My youngest thinks this is hilarious, so every time my oldest freaks out, she laughs at her.
  3. At the Dr. office I was getting my oldest’s cough checked out. I had the youngest (4 wks at the time) in my boba carrier. (yep I am totally a baby wearer). My oldest decided now was a good time to freak out, so the baby of course decided to poop. So I made the rookie mistake of changing the baby in my lap. AND she peed all over me. Then we had to go downstairs for chest x rays. So I was covered in pee, with two screaming children in a waiting room. Yes, I made wife leave work to come rescue me.
  4. My youngest loves to cuddle!! Baby cuddles may just be the best cuddles available.
  5. Just knowing that in a few short months, I won’t just have one dancing daughter I will have two J Because what I need in life is more tutu wearing performances.
  6. My oldest is potty trained, but not perfect. She has the uncanny ability to wait until I am nursing the baby to have the worst poop accidents.
  7. Each morning when I drop the baby off in her room at school, my oldest picks out the swing/rocker she will go in. She walks all around looks at each of them carefully and picks. It is pretty adorable.
  8. But, the best part of having two kids so far is the day care bill. Just kidding, that shit sucks monkey balls. My mortgage is smaller than my day care bill.

 

On a side note my oldest has promised to be my best friend forever. So, I will totally be avoiding those teenage years where she hates me. Planning ahead.

Stupid Humans and Their Stupid Word

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Word is out to get me

I cannot understand why word still sucks. I can have a video phone call on my personal hand held computer yet I cannot get my word document to number bullet points properly. Clearly this is because of the IRS that is out to get all americans.

To be quite frank I dislike word so much that I rarely use it. But, now I am forced to work in word everyday for my new job and it sucks the big one folks. And I am sensing that word has caught on to my dislike and is not out to get me.

First it is refusing to number my bullets within a table the way I want them numbered, then it starts adding numbers to the geometric images I had in the table then out of no where the images start jumping around the screen. I kid you not folks, flying triangles all over the place on my word document.

Clearly something is going on, but what?

Maybe someone has logged into my computer and is remotely controlling my word as a hilarious joke. I bet they are just laughing their asses off, until they read this and realize I’m from the south we shoot those that piss us off.

OK seriously, it just stopped writing numbers and started giving me weird symbols instead. The aliens are coming for me. Dear lord, I haven’t done everything I want to in life. I’m too young to be probed. I haven’t met Ani Difranco, even though she did wish me congratulations on my new baby because she knows my friend. And my friend was all NC had a baby because she knew my idol would care and she did care. Because we are kindred souls and she senses it, which I guess totally counts as meeting her, so ok aliens take me away, just give me the good drugs before you probe me please. I don’t want to remember this shit.

Maybe we are all already aliens and that is why word never works. It only works for humans. Damn you stupid humans and your stupid word.

x_files_23

 

The day the lights went out

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Last thursday night there was a terrible no good very bad storm and it shook the whole house. This storm was so fierce that it knocked the power out a school and thus we got the day off of school.

Days off are great, unexpected days off are EPIC.

This is a recount of my EPIC day off.

I was running late and so the wife took the girls to school. She called me all pumped, “guess what I heard on the radio you don’t have to go to school today!” I was super pumped. What would I do first? Should I go back to bed? Go streaking through the quad?The options were endless so naturally, I took a long hot bath, which I have not been able to do since before the baby was born. It was a beautiful thing. Then I went to day care and got the baby. Because you don’t get much alone time with the second baby and I was getting my baby time in. Next, the babes and I met the wife for lunch and ate some bangin barbeque. Then I spent the afternoon playing with the baby.

This may not sound like much to you, but to me it was perfect.

That evening my oldest sat the baby down next to her and explained the finer art of yo gabba gabba.

The perfect beginning of my perfect mother’s day weekend.

"You're favorite is toodee, my favorite is Foofa"

“You’re favorite is toodee, my favorite is Foofa”

Surviving the end of the world one diet coke at a time

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What do people do with boxes?

Huge piles of cardboard boxes

At work I get an all faculty email about once of week of someone needing boxes of all shapes and sizes? I have never needed oddly shaped boxes at school and thus I cannot fathom what they are doing with them.

Perhaps they are covering the walls in cardboard as a new hipster form of decorating?

Perhaps they are moving their house and need an individual box for each item in their house? Damn it, Susan where are the boxes that fit my star wars cookie cutters.

Perhaps they simply are box hoarders preparing for the apocalypse when only the ginger mormons are left standing and there is a civil war over boxes as it has become the currency.

Should I be collecting boxes? In the event of a zombie attack I don’t want to be left without boxes, maybe I should just start collecting diet cokes instead. Bc if the world ends and I have all the diet coke, I know I will have all the power because bitches be loving their diet coke.

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creepy motherfuckers

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I don’t want to sound paranoid, but the internet is creepy. As in landlord putting cameras in your shower creepy.It is impossible to use the internet and keep information from people who want to find you. Seriously impossible. Thankfully my blog has no identifiable features that tie it to me in real life because I would be mad if I had to delete my blog and start over. I mean I have 2600 followers who  would be devastated.

creepy-neighbors-creepy-neighbors-chi-mos-child-molestors-mu-demotivational-poster-1270695719[1]

I am going to have to slowly delete myself from all things social online. Which totally sucks monkey balls. The extra hairy ones. What I want to know is why the hell is it ok for someone to be able to have a full criminal background check on you for the low low price of 19.95! The people that run these businesses are assholes. Yeah, you heard me. Assholes.

No one should be able to get on a computer and look up how much I owe on my house, car, etc. A satellite shot of my house. And a listing of all my social networks. That is total crap. I don’t usually buy into conspiracy theories, but come on people. What is really going on here?

Maybe serial killers invented the internet because they knew one day everyone would write all about their life everyday and give them easy access to the perfect victims. Name one click. Photos two clicks. Work schedule three clicks and five bucks. Done you are murdered. In the good old days serial killers had to spend years stalking their victims leaving evidence all along the way.

Or maybe ex girlfriends anonymous invented the internet? Want to make sure you ex is more miserable than you, well join our site for a low cost of 3.95 a month and we will send you updated photos every hour of their misery.

I often wonder if someone were to look over my giant internet footprint what they would think of me? Who would they think I am based on my tweets, instagrams, and facebook likes?

 

I suck at tweeting and so do you

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Somehow I have acquired over 2500 blog followers. Yet, I cannot seem to get over 100 twitter followers.

So I have decided I suck at tweeting. I know this to be completely true.

Here are some examples of my lame tweets that you are all missing out on:

twitter

 

1.There is a huge difference between a good apple and a shitty apple. I’m just saying.

2. Let’s be friends but never hang out. So strangers. Let’s be strangers.

3. I won’t say back pack Dora. You can’t make me.

4. Anyone up for a quick run? And by quick run I mean mimosa. We drink at dawn in Louisiana.

5. So little time so much to do. Good thing I’m magic.

6. Damn it Dora. No means no. I won’t say map either. Even if he comes with cool jazzy music.

7. The wife is cleaning up after me because that is what wives are for.

8. Sending prayers to the dryer gods Wait… There aren’t multiple gods controlling my laundry. Damn that was excuse for my clothes.

9. Camera- child one breaks into tomorrow from Annie with Jazz hands . Camera- child two death stare and goes still

 

 

Clearly I need more than 140 characters to write anything of any significance.

Are you a troll? Are you sure?

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I have noticed that some people do not realize they are being total trolls online. Its like they think everyone wants to hear their opinions. Why yes, I posted an article or thought online with the sole purpose of getting other peoples opinions. No.

Photo from Maximum Wage

Photo from Maximum Wage

Signs you might be an internet troll and need to get over yourself:

1. Are the comments you make more often than not negative or argumentative and you find yourself disagreeing with everyone?

-I hate to break it to you, but its you not me and we need to break up. Ha Ha just kidding, I would never date a troll.

2. You find that you think everybody is against you and you are the only logical one out there?

-Unless you are Mississippi.

3. You have no friends. Why would someone befriend a troll? I mean their hair is out of control.

-No the people in your AOL chat room are not your friends, in fact I’m pretty sure they are all the guy down the street with 100 cats.

4. If you have an opinion you can’t keep it in ever. It bubbles up under your skin until you explode all over the comment section and tell everyone they are wrong and you are right damnit!

-While everyone has the right to an opinion, time and place folks. Comment number 1532 is not the place, nor is the french bakery on a sunday  morning. Breakfast is off limits, don’t fuck with breakfast.

5. You feel like you don’t understand anyone today. Because you don’t. Trolls make judgements based on small pieces of internet writing and assume all kinds of things.

- The only way to get the whole story is face to face. Don’t get it twisted and all upset over 140 characters as if you know the whole story, and if the whole story is 140 characters its a lame story and not worth your time.

My sister goes vegan part 2

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I went Vegan!

 

 

The end of Lent is approaching, and I have so many great vegan experiences to share!

Here’s a basic idea of what I ate most days.

Breakfast: plain oatmeal with honey and natural peanut butter added.

 Lunch: Brown rice, lots of veggies, piece of fruit.

 Dinner:  Different almost every night.  I had so much fun trying vegan recipes.

 

Here are some go to recipes that I never would have discovered if I hadn’t been trying to eat Vegan.  I used these recipes almost every week, and they were so delicious that I’ll definitely keep making them!

 

 

1.http://www.100daysofrealfood.com/2011/09/28/recipe-easy-split-pea-soup/

This recipe is so easy, and makes great leftovers!  Even my non-veggie loving husband LOVED this.  I just substituted the chicken stock for vegetable stock. Mmmmmmmm!  It has such a great rich flavor, and adding sriracha sauce made it nice and spicy! :)

 

2. Vegan Burritos.  In the past I always pile TONS of cheese on my mexican food… but what really surprised me is how much I like my burritios with absolutely no dairy or meat!  At first I thought, there would be nothing left but condiments… but now I think burritos just taste so crisp and fresh this way, I think I prefer it!

 

You could make this with most anything you like, but we used: whole wheat tortillas or pita, black beans, brown rice, avacado/guacamole, tomatoes, salsa, and cilantro.

 

3. http://allrecipes.com/recipe/vegan-broccoli-soup/

I actually only made this soup once, but it was really good!  I was surprised to see how well the cashews worked as an ingredient!

 

4.Salad.

I used to hate salad, but now I love it!  Seriously.  I had so much fun experimenting with different salads.  I found out that a good dressing makes all the difference to me, and I really only like home made dressings. A favorite go-to dressing was this one:

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/emeril-lagasse/simple-balsamic-vinaigrette-recipe/index.html

I used honey instead of sugar.

 

5.  Tofu stir fry:  I used organic tofu (and we only did this once in a while, b/c of the risks of eating soy.  I would fry the tofu in olive oil and then just mix it with a bag of frozen veggies.  Much better than it sounds. ;)

 

 

Of course, some recipes were a definite flop.  I found that recipes that are usually based on a meat were a big disappointment… vegan mushroom stroganoff for example… not so great without the beef!  The recipe used cornstarch (ew!) to give it thickness, and it was barely edible.

 

 

As to my original posed questions…..

 

Here are some of my pre-Vegan thoughts that I hope to explore:

 

1. Will learning to say “no,” to my food impulses give me strength in other areas of my life?

I think so!  Its hard to evaluate your own self-control, but it definitely gave me more confidence in my own “power.”  I usually don’t tell myself “no,” when it comes to food.  Doing so over and over again, made me feel like I have more control over my choices in life.  Definitely a confidence booster.  It reminded me of a CS Lewis quote: “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. ”

2. Will not having the option of emotional junk food eating help me to grow as a person?  Will I turn to prayer or meditation, or will I replace my cravings with some other temporary pacifier?

I have to be honest here, and tell you that it did not.  I totally caved to my weaknesses, and just found vegan junk food to indulge in.  Surprisingly enough oreos are vegan… its a terrible terrible thing!!!!  I really admire people who have actually been able to give up all the bad stuff entirely… I’ll take any advice you have to offer. ;)

 

3. Will I feel any different physically from eating Vegan?  Will I have more energy?

Its really hard to say.  I’d like to think so… but could be a placebo effect sort of thing.  I did always feel extra great when I juiced though.  I got super into making green juice (with things like cucumber, celery, kale, and apple)… and every time I drink it I feel a little bit like super woman.  Not to mention I can’t get over how pretty it looks in a glass! (Green IS my favorite color.)

 

4. What will I do when eating over at someone’s house (I’m shy and don’t see myself liking to explain all this to people)?

I guess I don’t have much of a social life, b/c this really wasn’t a big problem lol.  It was slightly awkward at my Baptist in-laws, who wanted an explanation of why you would do lent, and didn’t quite understand… but we only had the conversation once.

 

5.  Will I find good Vegan options at restaurants?

YES!  Oh my gosh, the asian vegan food was amazing!  I tried things I never would have tried before, and let me tell you, it was some of the best food I’ve ever had!  Thai, Vietnamese, and Indian restaurants have great Vegan options… I only wish I knew how to cook it myself!

 

6.Will this change the way I eat or view food permanently?

For sure.  I realized that I can go without meat pretty easily.  I used to see myself as a big meat eater (I even craved rare steaks), but now the idea of eating meat kind of grosses me out… makes me thing of gnawing on muscles.  (Sorry I know thats gross!)

 

7.Is there any (affordable) AND tasty way to drink coffee with cream as a vegan (this is crucial to my happiness ;) ).

No.  This is the one thing that was really really hard for me.  Coffee is NOT the same without milk!!!   I just hate stealing the milk from those baby cows… but its so good….. still not sure what to do about this.

 

8.  How am I ever going to give up Diet Coke????!!!!! Blurg!

Things are looking bleak in this area. Wah Wah Wah.

 

9..  And of course every girl’s constant question…. will I lose weight? lol.

No… I think it was those darn oreos.

 

In conclusion.. as Miley Cyrus would say… going vegan was “pretty cool.”  You should try it too!

 

Much love,

NeverContrary’s sister <3

Long Deep Breaths

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I am one of those people that likes to soak life in.

I have these moments in life where time seems to stand still and I just look around soaking up every detail: Every smell, every color, every sound. Hoping that with time these memories don’t fade.

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The latest one happened while I was rocking my screaming newborn to sleep in her room for an hour. What you say, how could that have been a moment you want to remember? You see as I sit in the dark nursery and look at the pale yellow walls and the freshly painted white crib, I wince at the thought of how fast these moments will pass me by.

I love every last moment of babies.

And when they grow too old to wake in the night. I cry.

Because you see, that is less time I get to spend with them.

And I don’t want to miss a single second.

 

Thank goodness my two year old promised to be my best friend forever.

My belated Thanksgiving post, because why the hell not?

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While reading this, imagine it is thanksgiving :)

Every where I turn online people are writing about the things they are thankful for. Because they apparently are only thankful during thanksgiving. Yet, I struggle to understand this holiday. I struggle to understand how people can pretend to be thankful and then the majority of they year be filled with such negativity towards each other and such hatred.

So instead of writing a post about things I am thankful for, I am going to write about hypocritical things I do not understand

 

shit-just-got-real

1. People who are pro life, but only the lives they deem worthy. For some that is unborn, but not the innocent on death row. For others that is those who are in their religion, but not others. For some that is simply their life and no one else’s. How can you pick and chose whose life is worthy and whose is not. Do you really think you know that much about everyone’s life?

2. People who think the only people on government assistance don’t need it, and are living the high life, and then tell you, that you should try and get on food stamps because everyone else is. Because getting $4 a day for food from the government is really making you dependent on anything.

3. People who would rather spend tens of thousands of dollars a year on private school then a couple extra hundred a year in taxes to make the public schools better. You know because when you spend money on taxes its evil even when it is less than the alternative.

4. People who spend years and years complaining about their life, but do not want to do anything to make it better. Or have an excuse as to why they can’t do anything to make it better. (not talking about those cases where you truly cannot do anything of course)

5. People who think if you don’t hit your child they will grow up spoiled and useless. Yes, you are so right. We must teach our children the only way anyone learns anything is through violence. Because that is working so well for the world. P.S. 80% of american still spank their kids, so saying youth today are spoiled bc they were not spanked isn’t going to work for you. How about we all just do our best to raise our kids? Just a thought.