It’s Just Not Right

Every morning, I drive 30 minutes out into the coon ass country of Louisiana’s Bayou for work in the pitch black darkness that is daylight savings time.

On my long commute I pass a McDonald’s. It has a very large glass room two stories high in the front for a play area.

The only problem is there is nothing in said room. NOTHING. It is just a giant empty glass room.

What the hell McDonalds?

This is what you are supposed to look like, not all empty and depressing

Did something happen and they had to take down the play room and were not able to put it back up?

Were the owners too cheap and just never put it up in the first place?

Perhaps the traffic causing aliens took it to their home planet?

It bothers me to no end. McDonald’s is built on the concept of you get exactly the same nasty ass shit in every store. This is not that. I need my McDonald’s to be reliable damn it.

Sure, Sure I could go in and ask them, but then I would look like a crazy lady. And we can’t have that. Because the opinion of strangers is really the key to all happiness in life.

Dirty Thirty

The time is upon me folks. I am turning thirty.

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I could write a sappy blog about how I don’t want to get older and blah blah blah. It would be a lie. Getting older is way better than the alternative, death. Plus I have been excited about turning thirty for probably a decade now. Finally my age matches my lifestyle. You see when you tell people you are 25 and like to go to bed at eight pm and eat oatmeal for breakfast when you rise at dawn people look at you funny. Now, I am thirty and people expect me to be a boring ass adult. What  a relief to finally meet peoples expectations.

It took me thirty years to get here. It has been one hell of a ride. Here are a few of the things I have learned in my thirty years. Hopefully you can use this knowledge in your journey to avoid death.

1. Alabama football sucks balls. Everything about Alabama football is evil. Pure Satan at work there.

2. Ghosts totally exist. Don’t believe me get away we cannot be friends.

3. Republicans are awful. Yeah I said it. Most of my friends are republicans, what does this mean??

4. I still can’t decide who gets more excited to see boobs, lesbians, teenage boys, or nursing babies. Maybe I will know this by forty.

5. Home school is where it’s at. The longer I teach in public school, the more convinced of this I am.

6. True love does exist and so do soul mates.

7. Food is medicine, prescriptions kill you.

8. I’m lactose intolerant. How the hell did I miss this for thirty years. Damn.

9. People suck. Don’t expect too much from them.

10. I need more gay friends. I am drowning in straight girls and I cannot sit around while they talk about penis anymore.

She Carrie Bradshawed him…

It all started when my brother started dating this girl. Let’s call her Jenny. Jenny and my brother let’s call him Tommy, fell quickly in love. Although none of us knew why. We all just watched their relationship like a slow moving accident waiting for them to explode. And did they.

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I love them both dearly, but separately. Very separately. Jenny is a free spirit. The type of spirit not meant to be tied down to a person or a place. I could easily see her wandering Tibet on a spiritual journey. Tommy is a carefree, but stable man.  Though he may not realize it all of the time he is a southern family man. Their life paths simply were not headed in the same direction.

But who cares when you are in love. They got engaged anyways. After a year of negotiation. *Hint to readers, your engagement should not require negotiation. *

They were engaged for a few months, when their friends threw them an engagement party. We walked up the steps of this beautiful New Orleans Row house and there she was. Just standing there with her engagement ring on a necklace around her neck.

The entire sub plot of Carrie’s engagement to Aiden flashed before my eyes. Is she really at her own engagement party and not wearing the ring on her finger. This is not seriously happening. Who does this? I wanted to ask her just to see if she would say that she wanted the ring to be close to her heart, like Carrie used to say.

How did no one else at this party notice? Maybe we all noticed and we just didn’t say anything.

A few weeks later she broke it off. My brother broke into a million pieces. How do you tell someone that you saw this coming, we all saw this coming?

There are things that happen in real life and things that happen on tv and every once in a while they both happen together in a monumental disastrous way.

Did that really happen? Did she really Carrie Bradshaw her own engagement party?

Yes

Yes it did.

Thug Hipster Teacher

There may only be a few of you that were following my blog in 2011. For those of you who were not I wrote this lovely little piece about my life goals HERE. In this post I discuss my disdain for new years resolutions as well as my three current life goals. The most important goal on my list was clearly learning to drink my coffee black.

My coffee can beat up your coffee

My coffee can beat up your coffee

Guess what my lovelies? I have not only accomplished this goal, I have blow that shit out the water. I now drink shitty break room coffee black.

If only you could see how this has increased my thug hipster image in the teachers lounge. I stroll in with my skinny jeans, my hipster thick glasses, and my worn out converse. Slowly walking towards the circle of teachers in over sized school sweatshirts hovering around the coffee pot as if it were the magic ticket out of that hellish parent conference you have waiting for you in the next room. They part as I walk over without even knowing why. I pour my coffee into my cheap paper cup and turn to walk away, having said nothing to them. By the time  I get to the door I have chugged the entire cup of hot coffee and toss the cup in the trash. Leaving nothing but questions in my wake.

Thug hipster teacher goal check.

Now to come up with a replacement goal…..

 

You should be afraid of that angry feminist on the corner

Beware.

Warning.

There is an angry feminist right behind you. In fact they are all over the internet. Be careful they are out to get you. Be ready, they want you to…wait for it… treat women equally. Shit. They even want equal pay. The horror. The horror. But, the bible says men and women are supposed to be treated differently. Ok, it also says you can’t eat bacon. And we all know you are probably eating bacon right this very minute. Jesus can see you. He told me. We talk because he totally is besties with my lezzie wife.

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OMG they are getting the children too!!

When did being a left wing feminist become a four letter word? I think it is when everyone stopped listening to each other and just began making stuff up. The world became obsessed with fast, fast, fast. There isn’t enough time to fact check, not enough time to look at something from another point of view, only enough time to get mad.

As a card carrying angry lesbian feminist, I have seen and heard many a things. What I have learned from it all is that at this moment in american culture we would rather fight each other over tiny details, then work together to fix big problems. Within the feminist community there is constant fighting. Black vs White. Men vs Women. Include Transgender vs. Don’t include. And the fights are just as nasty and cut throat as the ones against the republican party. 

If we cannot stand together, we are nothing. Individually we are weak. Together we are strong.

So much passion and it is beautiful. Imagine what we could accomplish together.

Its was cold for three days so global warming totally doesn’t exist

You, yes you. I am talking to you ignorant fool. The one with the W sticker still on your car and the bible you have never bothered to read on your bedside. So you decided you are a scientist. You know all about the climate because you got cold for three days in the south. I’m sure those damn climate scientists who have spent their entire life studying the climate probably actually just got their information from the same people who “made” Obama’s birth certificate.

I have been told ignorance is bliss. Sure for the ignorant people, but for the rest of us it is like having someone hit our heads against a wall.

Oh I know you got all of your info Sarah Palin and she is totally smart because she wears glasses and is in love with jesus. Jesus only supports the people are super smart. Totally.

 

 

 

I love my daughter, but…

She is the most exhausting person I have ever met.

Getting our princess nails done. Priorities.

Getting our princess nails done. Priorities.

Seriously.

And I can’t even be mad because she is me. Poor girl.

I have begun to feel that if I had waited until she was 3 I don’t think we would have a second child. What a horrible thing to say. Yeah, Yeah, but have you met a three year old this wasn’t true about?

A day in the life of my three year old:

6 am- Time to scream because I do not want to be awake. ( She is not a morning person)

6:15 am – Switch to crying because it is too cold outside to wear a dress without pants. You see my daughter will only wear dresses. Literally. Because Princesses don’t wear pants. Thanks Disney. And by thanks I mean F you disney.  So she wears pants and a dress over top. Then calls it stylish.

6:45-3:45 Act like an angel at school all day. Come home with best listener awards.

3:45- Spend car ride home saying potty words to make her sister laugh. “booty, booty, booty”

4:00- Demand to change from her regular dress to a princess dress. If she does all is well. IF not. Holy hell insert one hour of crying about dress.

6:00- Cry about going poop. Because She hates to poop. This could be a whole post itself.

7:00- Asleep. Hey, this is a pretty good quality.

My daughter is smart, hilarious, and extremely stubborn. Which makes her pretty fantastic, except she is three and doesn’t understand why you can’t not poop and wear princesses dresses everywhere.

Well Hello Strangers…..

So sorry my lovely followers. Are there any of you left? I do hope so.

I know it has been months since I posted and I have quite a good excuse. You see, I had to take a second job writing math curriculum to make my bills. And as you can imagine teaching full time and writing part time left little time to sleep let alone write for fun. Do not fear, I am determined to blog twice a month this year, damnit!

The quick and short update for what has happened to NC since September:

1. I have been teaching in the country. As in, I drive past three mobile home dealerships on my way to work each day, country. The most popular boys at my school have mullets. This is now my life. Send help if I start saying I am listening to Toby Keith.

 

2.  My youngest daughter decided sleeping through the night is totally overrated. Needless to say I think I remember what it feels like to sleep a whole night through. Maybe.

 

3. My oldest had her tonsils out. If you have not had the joy of this experience, oh you are missing out. It is most certainly the seventh level of hell. If the dr tells you, oh your child should get their tonsils out, curse your life because it will be awful, horrible, and scary.

 

4. I became a whole new level of crunchy. I have crossed over y’all. There is no turning back. This deserves its own post. Conversations in my house. “You are feeling sick, have you eaten any garlic?” “She got her uterus removed, I bet she wore tampons” “You really need to save your placenta”

 

5. I stood up for myself at work. Another teacher was not doing their work and I was told my expectations were too high. Not only did I not let them walk over me, I told them right then and there, that their behavior was unacceptable and ridiculous. Anyone else want to try me? Let’s go. I will be here all year. Let me just put down my Toby Keith CD and we can take this out back.

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What the hell is up with grass?

Can someone please explain to me the big deal about grass. No not the grass you smoke, the grass in my yard. I know what is up with that grass.

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At what point did everyone decide we needed to surround our houses with grass. Then, manicure it into perfection every week. This is a totally shit idea. To top it off you can major in lawn management at some colleges. America. SMH.

1. Even when freshly mowed, lawns don’t really look that great. Sure, Driving down the street is reminiscent of a 1950s tv show, but who the hell wants to live there? No way they were having hot sex in those separate twin beds.

2. Talk about exhausting work. I had to mow the lawn growing up, never my sister. This is where I learned to fine tune my cursing. Yes, I was that little blonde haired, blue eyed ten year old, cursing at the top of her lungs as she mowed the lawn.

3. Money. The amount of money we spend on these lawns. I mean, really people. You need, a mower, an edger, a weed eater, pills to make it grow, pills to kill the weeds, and the list goes on.

4. The old lady who lives next door to you will yell at you about your yard. “When are you going to mow, it looks awful”, “Why are you mowing your yard, now I have to mow mine!”, “Your lawnmower put grass in my yard. You need to pick it all up.” Watch out for the old ladies, they will call the cops on your unruly yard.

5. Animals use it as a bathroom. I am literally maintaining an outdoor bathroom for the neighborhood stray cats. If I could only figure out how to plant catnip next door and get them to only use the old ladies yard as a toilet.

Thank goodness, I am a good southern girl, and my daddy now pays someone to mow my lawn. I guess all those years of cursing in the yard really paid off. See kids, if you curse a lot about doing something, God will hear you and send someone to do it for you. :)

Cut your parents some slack

Today while I was on lunch duty, by the pizza line (yes the pizza they serve in a pre-made plastic bag) , in the rain, I watched high schoolers stand in the quad and just get rained on. For the life of my I could understand why they didn’t just go inside to the cafeteria. Why did they need to stand in the rain and eat? While contemplating this, and crossing my fingers no one hit anyone because I sure as hell was not going out in that rain, I realized I did the same thing in high school. When it would rain, I would go out of my way to go outside and walk in the rain and splash in the puddles in between classes. Yet, I have no clue why I did this. Seriously, it is gone from my mind.

So maybe your parents did do the crazy things you are doing now, but they don’t know why they did them and can no longer understand them. Cut them some slack, they were just like you once. Even if they forget why.

A week ago my daughter woke up crying to get into bed with me. It made me think back to when I would have a nightmare and run into my parents room and instantly feel safe laying between them. What frightened me was that I am now this safety net for someone else. What immense pressure. I don’t know what I am doing, hell I’m still afraid of all the bumps I hear in the night. How can I possibly be the creator of safety? I wonder how scared my parents were when I was young and ran to them. If they were, they never let it show.

The moral of the story is: kids, the next time your parents are acting a fool, just remember one day you will become them and you will have no idea how you got there, so be patient with us and hope your kids will be patient with you. We don’t know as much as we look like we do.

Super mom, keeping small children safe from giraffes everyday.

Super mom, keeping small children safe from giraffes everyday.