They can see you

Posted on June 3, 2013 by nevercontrary

They are in my house waiting for me.

I slowly turn the dead bolt lock and push the door open. Holding my breath in hopes that it will somehow keep the door from squeaking. My eyes slowly criss cross the room looking for any sudden movement.

They hide in different corners of my house every day.

I slowly make my way to the kitchen and jump at the kitchen sink as though an army might come out of the pipes to attack my darkened soul.

Nothing.

I try not to let my foolish excitement overrun me. They are still here. They must be.

I slowly make my way down the hallway. Careful not to make a sound. As I turn the corner, there they are.

Just waiting for me.

Laughing at my utter inability to stop them.

I throw everything I have got at them. To no avail.

And just like that they are gone.

Back into hiding.

Just waiting for my next move.

~my ode to fruit flies~

It’s story time

Posted on May 28, 2013 by nevercontrary

I often think about how most people only look at their parents lives from the point they became parents to now. I admit it is hard for me to imagine my parents in their youth and when I look at photographs it does not look like them, while at the same time it does.

This leads me to wonder how my children will see me. (hehe I have children, still seems surreal) Will they ask me about my pre baby life? Or will they not want to know about my wild youth? My daughter already asks me everyday for tattoos that match mine. Which makes me think of when I got tattoos and people said, “what will you tell your children when they ask for tattoos?” Well this is what I told her, I said when you are 18 you can get a tattoo and then I took a marker and drew a matching tattoo on her foot. She then screamed and went wipe it off! Parenting success.

I have such amazing stories to tell that I hope my daughters want to hear them. I even have the lofty hope that they will learn something from them. But, the notion that I should hide things I have done or pretend to have always been the perfect adult specimen I am now would be foolish.

When I would ask my mother about her youth, she would get very upset and try and claim that she had never done anything foolish outside of the story she tells about wearing black leather pants. Which only made me feel less connected to her. If you cannot tell someone your stories, can you truly say you have any kind of relationship with them? Honestly, I don’t think so.

Who do you tell your stories to?

Lies, Damned Lies, and Hand Soap

Posted on May 25, 2013 by nevercontrary

In the restroom at school someone felt the soap on the wall was not good enough, so they went out and bought this soap.

Looks like it may have potential. I mean look at that green color. Vibrant!

I saw it and thought to myself goodness, I did not know hand soap could be invigorating. So I stood there and pondered do I want the traditional soap, or the invigorating cucumber melon soap experience. I live life on the edge, so I went for the invigorating hand-washing experience. And guess what y’all, It was a huge disappointment. Not only did the soap make not bubbles, it barely smelled of cucumber melon. I left the restroom felling disappointed not invigorated. I had to stop other people from making the same mistake, so I went back and left this on the soap.

Problem solved

Preventing hand-washing disappointment one bathroom at a time, that’s my motto.

Motherhood Times Two

Posted on May 22, 2013 by nevercontrary

Here I am folks three months in to having two children. An almost 3 year old and a 3 month old. People told me that having two kids would be a nightmare similar to the zombie apocalypse. I was scared, hell I was terrified. Turns out having two kids rocks! It is way better than having one.

Here are some of the wonderful moments I have had since having two kids:

Every morning my oldest comes in and looks at the baby. She gets the biggest smile and exclaims, “She got bigger mommy!”
My oldest is dramatic. As in a bug looked at me, so I need ice, a band-aid, juice and I will cry for five minutes, dramatic. My youngest thinks this is hilarious, so every time my oldest freaks out, she laughs at her.
At the Dr. office I was getting my oldest’s cough checked out. I had the youngest (4 wks at the time) in my boba carrier. (yep I am totally a baby wearer). My oldest decided now was a good time to freak out, so the baby of course decided to poop. So I made the rookie mistake of changing the baby in my lap. AND she peed all over me. Then we had to go downstairs for chest x rays. So I was covered in pee, with two screaming children in a waiting room. Yes, I made wife leave work to come rescue me.
My youngest loves to cuddle!! Baby cuddles may just be the best cuddles available.
Just knowing that in a few short months, I won’t just have one dancing daughter I will have two J Because what I need in life is more tutu wearing performances.
My oldest is potty trained, but not perfect. She has the uncanny ability to wait until I am nursing the baby to have the worst poop accidents.
Each morning when I drop the baby off in her room at school, my oldest picks out the swing/rocker she will go in. She walks all around looks at each of them carefully and picks. It is pretty adorable.
But, the best part of having two kids so far is the day care bill. Just kidding, that shit sucks monkey balls. My mortgage is smaller than my day care bill.

On a side note my oldest has promised to be my best friend forever. So, I will totally be avoiding those teenage years where she hates me. Planning ahead.

Stupid Humans and Their Stupid Word

Posted on May 16, 2013 by nevercontrary

Word is out to get me

http://www.examiner.com

I cannot understand why word still sucks. I can have a video phone call on my personal hand held computer yet I cannot get my word document to number bullet points properly. Clearly this is because of the IRS that is out to get all americans.

To be quite frank I dislike word so much that I rarely use it. But, now I am forced to work in word everyday for my new job and it sucks the big one folks. And I am sensing that word has caught on to my dislike and is not out to get me.

First it is refusing to number my bullets within a table the way I want them numbered, then it starts adding numbers to the geometric images I had in the table then out of no where the images start jumping around the screen. I kid you not folks, flying triangles all over the place on my word document.

Clearly something is going on, but what?

Maybe someone has logged into my computer and is remotely controlling my word as a hilarious joke. I bet they are just laughing their asses off, until they read this and realize I’m from the south we shoot those that piss us off.

OK seriously, it just stopped writing numbers and started giving me weird symbols instead. The aliens are coming for me. Dear lord, I haven’t done everything I want to in life. I’m too young to be probed. I haven’t met Ani Difranco, even though she did wish me congratulations on my new baby because she knows my friend. And my friend was all NC had a baby because she knew my idol would care and she did care. Because we are kindred souls and she senses it, which I guess totally counts as meeting her, so ok aliens take me away, just give me the good drugs before you probe me please. I don’t want to remember this shit.

Maybe we are all already aliens and that is why word never works. It only works for humans. Damn you stupid humans and your stupid word.

The day the lights went out

Posted on May 13, 2013 by nevercontrary

Last thursday night there was a terrible no good very bad storm and it shook the whole house. This storm was so fierce that it knocked the power out a school and thus we got the day off of school.

Days off are great, unexpected days off are EPIC.

This is a recount of my EPIC day off.

I was running late and so the wife took the girls to school. She called me all pumped, “guess what I heard on the radio you don’t have to go to school today!” I was super pumped. What would I do first? Should I go back to bed? Go streaking through the quad?The options were endless so naturally, I took a long hot bath, which I have not been able to do since before the baby was born. It was a beautiful thing. Then I went to day care and got the baby. Because you don’t get much alone time with the second baby and I was getting my baby time in. Next, the babes and I met the wife for lunch and ate some bangin barbeque. Then I spent the afternoon playing with the baby.

This may not sound like much to you, but to me it was perfect.

That evening my oldest sat the baby down next to her and explained the finer art of yo gabba gabba.

The perfect beginning of my perfect mother’s day weekend.

“You’re favorite is toodee, my favorite is Foofa”

Surviving the end of the world one diet coke at a time

Posted on May 8, 2013 by nevercontrary

What do people do with boxes?

At work I get an all faculty email about once of week of someone needing boxes of all shapes and sizes? I have never needed oddly shaped boxes at school and thus I cannot fathom what they are doing with them.

Perhaps they are covering the walls in cardboard as a new hipster form of decorating?

Perhaps they are moving their house and need an individual box for each item in their house? Damn it, Susan where are the boxes that fit my star wars cookie cutters.

Perhaps they simply are box hoarders preparing for the apocalypse when only the ginger mormons are left standing and there is a civil war over boxes as it has become the currency.

Should I be collecting boxes? In the event of a zombie attack I don’t want to be left without boxes, maybe I should just start collecting diet cokes instead. Bc if the world ends and I have all the diet coke, I know I will have all the power because bitches be loving their diet coke.

creepy motherfuckers

Posted on April 27, 2013 by nevercontrary

I don’t want to sound paranoid, but the internet is creepy. As in landlord putting cameras in your shower creepy.It is impossible to use the internet and keep information from people who want to find you. Seriously impossible. Thankfully my blog has no identifiable features that tie it to me in real life because I would be mad if I had to delete my blog and start over. I mean I have 2600 followers who would be devastated.

I am going to have to slowly delete myself from all things social online. Which totally sucks monkey balls. The extra hairy ones. What I want to know is why the hell is it ok for someone to be able to have a full criminal background check on you for the low low price of 19.95! The people that run these businesses are assholes. Yeah, you heard me. Assholes.

No one should be able to get on a computer and look up how much I owe on my house, car, etc. A satellite shot of my house. And a listing of all my social networks. That is total crap. I don’t usually buy into conspiracy theories, but come on people. What is really going on here?

Maybe serial killers invented the internet because they knew one day everyone would write all about their life everyday and give them easy access to the perfect victims. Name one click. Photos two clicks. Work schedule three clicks and five bucks. Done you are murdered. In the good old days serial killers had to spend years stalking their victims leaving evidence all along the way.

Or maybe ex girlfriends anonymous invented the internet? Want to make sure you ex is more miserable than you, well join our site for a low cost of 3.95 a month and we will send you updated photos every hour of their misery.

I often wonder if someone were to look over my giant internet footprint what they would think of me? Who would they think I am based on my tweets, instagrams, and facebook likes?

I suck at tweeting and so do you

Posted on April 18, 2013 by nevercontrary

Somehow I have acquired over 2500 blog followers. Yet, I cannot seem to get over 100 twitter followers.

So I have decided I suck at tweeting. I know this to be completely true.

Here are some examples of my lame tweets that you are all missing out on:

1.There is a huge difference between a good apple and a shitty apple. I’m just saying.

2. Let’s be friends but never hang out. So strangers. Let’s be strangers.

3. I won’t say back pack Dora. You can’t make me.

4. Anyone up for a quick run? And by quick run I mean mimosa. We drink at dawn in Louisiana.

5. So little time so much to do. Good thing I’m magic.

6. Damn it Dora. No means no. I won’t say map either. Even if he comes with cool jazzy music.

7. The wife is cleaning up after me because that is what wives are for.

8. Sending prayers to the dryer gods Wait… There aren’t multiple gods controlling my laundry. Damn that was excuse for my clothes.

9. Camera- child one breaks into tomorrow from Annie with Jazz hands . Camera- child two death stare and goes still

Clearly I need more than 140 characters to write anything of any significance.

Are you a troll? Are you sure?

Posted on April 14, 2013 by nevercontrary

I have noticed that some people do not realize they are being total trolls online. Its like they think everyone wants to hear their opinions. Why yes, I posted an article or thought online with the sole purpose of getting other peoples opinions. No.

Photo from Maximum Wage

Signs you might be an internet troll and need to get over yourself:

1. Are the comments you make more often than not negative or argumentative and you find yourself disagreeing with everyone?

-I hate to break it to you, but its you not me and we need to break up. Ha Ha just kidding, I would never date a troll.

2. You find that you think everybody is against you and you are the only logical one out there?

-Unless you are Mississippi.

3. You have no friends. Why would someone befriend a troll? I mean their hair is out of control.

-No the people in your AOL chat room are not your friends, in fact I’m pretty sure they are all the guy down the street with 100 cats.

4. If you have an opinion you can’t keep it in ever. It bubbles up under your skin until you explode all over the comment section and tell everyone they are wrong and you are right damnit!

-While everyone has the right to an opinion, time and place folks. Comment number 1532 is not the place, nor is the french bakery on a sunday morning. Breakfast is off limits, don’t fuck with breakfast.

5. You feel like you don’t understand anyone today. Because you don’t. Trolls make judgements based on small pieces of internet writing and assume all kinds of things.

- The only way to get the whole story is face to face. Don’t get it twisted and all upset over 140 characters as if you know the whole story, and if the whole story is 140 characters its a lame story and not worth your time.

nevercontrary

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