Category Archives: Opinions

Stupid Humans and Their Stupid Word

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Word is out to get me

I cannot understand why word still sucks. I can have a video phone call on my personal hand held computer yet I cannot get my word document to number bullet points properly. Clearly this is because of the IRS that is out to get all americans.

To be quite frank I dislike word so much that I rarely use it. But, now I am forced to work in word everyday for my new job and it sucks the big one folks. And I am sensing that word has caught on to my dislike and is not out to get me.

First it is refusing to number my bullets within a table the way I want them numbered, then it starts adding numbers to the geometric images I had in the table then out of no where the images start jumping around the screen. I kid you not folks, flying triangles all over the place on my word document.

Clearly something is going on, but what?

Maybe someone has logged into my computer and is remotely controlling my word as a hilarious joke. I bet they are just laughing their asses off, until they read this and realize I’m from the south we shoot those that piss us off.

OK seriously, it just stopped writing numbers and started giving me weird symbols instead. The aliens are coming for me. Dear lord, I haven’t done everything I want to in life. I’m too young to be probed. I haven’t met Ani Difranco, even though she did wish me congratulations on my new baby because she knows my friend. And my friend was all NC had a baby because she knew my idol would care and she did care. Because we are kindred souls and she senses it, which I guess totally counts as meeting her, so ok aliens take me away, just give me the good drugs before you probe me please. I don’t want to remember this shit.

Maybe we are all already aliens and that is why word never works. It only works for humans. Damn you stupid humans and your stupid word.

x_files_23

 

creepy motherfuckers

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I don’t want to sound paranoid, but the internet is creepy. As in landlord putting cameras in your shower creepy.It is impossible to use the internet and keep information from people who want to find you. Seriously impossible. Thankfully my blog has no identifiable features that tie it to me in real life because I would be mad if I had to delete my blog and start over. I mean I have 2600 followers who  would be devastated.

creepy-neighbors-creepy-neighbors-chi-mos-child-molestors-mu-demotivational-poster-1270695719[1]

I am going to have to slowly delete myself from all things social online. Which totally sucks monkey balls. The extra hairy ones. What I want to know is why the hell is it ok for someone to be able to have a full criminal background check on you for the low low price of 19.95! The people that run these businesses are assholes. Yeah, you heard me. Assholes.

No one should be able to get on a computer and look up how much I owe on my house, car, etc. A satellite shot of my house. And a listing of all my social networks. That is total crap. I don’t usually buy into conspiracy theories, but come on people. What is really going on here?

Maybe serial killers invented the internet because they knew one day everyone would write all about their life everyday and give them easy access to the perfect victims. Name one click. Photos two clicks. Work schedule three clicks and five bucks. Done you are murdered. In the good old days serial killers had to spend years stalking their victims leaving evidence all along the way.

Or maybe ex girlfriends anonymous invented the internet? Want to make sure you ex is more miserable than you, well join our site for a low cost of 3.95 a month and we will send you updated photos every hour of their misery.

I often wonder if someone were to look over my giant internet footprint what they would think of me? Who would they think I am based on my tweets, instagrams, and facebook likes?

 

I suck at tweeting and so do you

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Somehow I have acquired over 2500 blog followers. Yet, I cannot seem to get over 100 twitter followers.

So I have decided I suck at tweeting. I know this to be completely true.

Here are some examples of my lame tweets that you are all missing out on:

twitter

 

1.There is a huge difference between a good apple and a shitty apple. I’m just saying.

2. Let’s be friends but never hang out. So strangers. Let’s be strangers.

3. I won’t say back pack Dora. You can’t make me.

4. Anyone up for a quick run? And by quick run I mean mimosa. We drink at dawn in Louisiana.

5. So little time so much to do. Good thing I’m magic.

6. Damn it Dora. No means no. I won’t say map either. Even if he comes with cool jazzy music.

7. The wife is cleaning up after me because that is what wives are for.

8. Sending prayers to the dryer gods Wait… There aren’t multiple gods controlling my laundry. Damn that was excuse for my clothes.

9. Camera- child one breaks into tomorrow from Annie with Jazz hands . Camera- child two death stare and goes still

 

 

Clearly I need more than 140 characters to write anything of any significance.

Are you a troll? Are you sure?

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I have noticed that some people do not realize they are being total trolls online. Its like they think everyone wants to hear their opinions. Why yes, I posted an article or thought online with the sole purpose of getting other peoples opinions. No.

Photo from Maximum Wage

Photo from Maximum Wage

Signs you might be an internet troll and need to get over yourself:

1. Are the comments you make more often than not negative or argumentative and you find yourself disagreeing with everyone?

-I hate to break it to you, but its you not me and we need to break up. Ha Ha just kidding, I would never date a troll.

2. You find that you think everybody is against you and you are the only logical one out there?

-Unless you are Mississippi.

3. You have no friends. Why would someone befriend a troll? I mean their hair is out of control.

-No the people in your AOL chat room are not your friends, in fact I’m pretty sure they are all the guy down the street with 100 cats.

4. If you have an opinion you can’t keep it in ever. It bubbles up under your skin until you explode all over the comment section and tell everyone they are wrong and you are right damnit!

-While everyone has the right to an opinion, time and place folks. Comment number 1532 is not the place, nor is the french bakery on a sunday  morning. Breakfast is off limits, don’t fuck with breakfast.

5. You feel like you don’t understand anyone today. Because you don’t. Trolls make judgements based on small pieces of internet writing and assume all kinds of things.

- The only way to get the whole story is face to face. Don’t get it twisted and all upset over 140 characters as if you know the whole story, and if the whole story is 140 characters its a lame story and not worth your time.

My belated Thanksgiving post, because why the hell not?

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While reading this, imagine it is thanksgiving :)

Every where I turn online people are writing about the things they are thankful for. Because they apparently are only thankful during thanksgiving. Yet, I struggle to understand this holiday. I struggle to understand how people can pretend to be thankful and then the majority of they year be filled with such negativity towards each other and such hatred.

So instead of writing a post about things I am thankful for, I am going to write about hypocritical things I do not understand

 

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1. People who are pro life, but only the lives they deem worthy. For some that is unborn, but not the innocent on death row. For others that is those who are in their religion, but not others. For some that is simply their life and no one else’s. How can you pick and chose whose life is worthy and whose is not. Do you really think you know that much about everyone’s life?

2. People who think the only people on government assistance don’t need it, and are living the high life, and then tell you, that you should try and get on food stamps because everyone else is. Because getting $4 a day for food from the government is really making you dependent on anything.

3. People who would rather spend tens of thousands of dollars a year on private school then a couple extra hundred a year in taxes to make the public schools better. You know because when you spend money on taxes its evil even when it is less than the alternative.

4. People who spend years and years complaining about their life, but do not want to do anything to make it better. Or have an excuse as to why they can’t do anything to make it better. (not talking about those cases where you truly cannot do anything of course)

5. People who think if you don’t hit your child they will grow up spoiled and useless. Yes, you are so right. We must teach our children the only way anyone learns anything is through violence. Because that is working so well for the world. P.S. 80% of american still spank their kids, so saying youth today are spoiled bc they were not spanked isn’t going to work for you. How about we all just do our best to raise our kids? Just a thought.

 

 

What your teacher is really thinking.

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There comes a time in every teachers life when they wake up and go I can’t take this shit anymore. Ok, Ok, this moment happens all the damn time.

You see your teachers have to put up with a lot and get very  little in return. Hey, I am not asking for much. It would be nice for kindness though. While I do appreciate the fact that teenagers are not always capable of seeing past their own noses, at times it is hard not to take it personally.

I thought you might enjoy a few of my insights into what your teachers are really thinking:

1. When a student gets really upset over a test grade and blames the teacher.

- this one is one of my favorite moments. I am almost always thinking, oh good, you did not do the work in my class, you don’t listen to a word I say, but please tell me more about how it is my fault you don’t understand. I did not realize I was supposed to do all your studying for you.

2. When a student complains that the lesson we are learning is stupid.

- Wow, you are so smart you know all there is to know about life and can already see that I am just making shit up to teach you for no apparent reason. Or maybe just maybe you need to know this. Perhaps.

3. The ever favorite, the teacher hates me.

- Who are you again? Or I’m sorry I was so busy teaching 100 + students, raising my family, completing grad school, and living my life I can’t remember what was said during class last hour. But, you are right I probably have nothing better to do than sit around and plot your doom.

4. When am I going to use this?

- Oh you mean when are you going to need to use math? Oh you don’t need to know math, hell congress can’t even balance a budget and they seem to have really good job security, great health benefits and a giant ass salary. You are right math is totally unnecessary in life. We should just throw out the books and watch MTV.

5. Complaints about the dress code

- These are my favorite. I do love hearing how the fact that you can’t wear flip flops is the end of the world. My two old thinks the same thing. Yep, I just compared your maturity to a two old.

Oh so you want an 8 month pregnant woman to slap you

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People wait until you are very very pregnant to say stupid stupid things to you. At this point you are oozing hormones out of places you did not know hormones could come out of, and this is not the time to start something with me.

Coworker: My I see someone is eating for two

Me: (in reality) stunned into silence (in my head) yes well my belly goes away after the baby comes out, what is your excuse

Brother in law: blah blah blah… babies die all the time…. blah blah blah

Me: ( in real life) you don’t know what you are talking about  (in my head) Too upset to process this.

Friend: Oh you will have to stay at the hospital for 4-5 days, I laugh when I think you want to leave before then ( we got permission from our dr to leave in 24 hours bc there is no need to stay in a hospital if you are healthy)

Me: Thats funny I don’t know of a single person who stayed that long, maybe 30 years ago when you had kids that was the case, but not anymore. ( in my head) really you are going to school me. I could dance circles around your lack of education fool.

Too many people to count: So what day are you having the baby? (literally, they wanted an exact date the baby would come)

Me: When I go into labor. (they did not like this response) ( in my head) um, seriously no one knows the exact day the baby comes stop asking me that. How the hell am I supposed to know.

What if wordpress did not exist?

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What if …

 

The world revolved around love

and compassion

instead of greed and power?

 

The world started caring more about

each other and others well being

then their  own needs.

 

It was more common to see someone doing a

random act of kindness

on the news then an act of hate?

 

Politics was about intellectual

debate and respect with the

idea of the common good over the individual

 

Movies that were made about books were actually

as good as the books?

 

You had never read my blog?

 

One can lists what ifs all day long, but at the end of the day, there is nothing we can do to change the past. It is up to us to change the future and take away our the opportunity for future what ifs to pop up.

 

 

Yes, Benyonce I am ready for that jelly, and then some- updated

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I am at a crossroads world.

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Do I ignore the people that doubt my intelligence and talk down to me or do I wow them with my accolades?

I know you cannot even imagine being in such a difficult life scenario. It is rough. I feel like I now know a tenth of what Hilary Clinton goes through in day. The woman can’t catch a break. The haters be hatin’ round the clock over my gal pal Hil. Oh you didn’t know we were besties? Totally. She totally just texted me.

I work in an environment that is old school elite and I am the new hippy kid on the block that couldn’t possibly know what they are talking about because I did not go to school there, have all my children go to school there, and work there for 20 years.

I am sure you are thinking I am simply talking about people critiquing my teaching, oh no my friends, they think I do not know anything about well anything. For example:

Coworker 1: My wife is looking for a new OB. Do you have any recommendations?

Me: Oh my god, yes. I love love love my OB. He is the amazing.

Coworker 2: No, you can’t use her OB. You have to use mine for blah blah blah reasons.

Me: Tries to say something positive about my OB

Coworker 2: No I know what I am talking about, you need to use mine.

Seriously? I am too stupid to be able to have a good OB now. Thanks I appreciate that.

Another Example:

Me: I really would like to take on more responsibility at work.

Coworker: But, you have kids. You don’t have time to do anything else.

Me: I am the only teacher in the department that has no extra responsibilities, I can handle it.

Coworker: No, No, No, you will be too overwhelmed.

How do I handle this? Do I just let it roll of my shoulder like a good little buddhist and understand that what someone else says and thinks does not impact me unless I let it? Or, do I stand up for myself?

How do you even begin to stand up for yourself when those belittling you are so closed off they do not hear a word you say?

Perhaps if they all knew I had secret ninja skills, can dance like no one is watching,  have the ability to ignore Taylor Swift music like it isn’t playing, and that LeClown plans to teach me to fly; they would bow down in respect for me.

But then again who can handle knowing that much awesomeness about one person?

Photo from Maximum Wage

Photo from Maximum Wage

Favorite Posts From This Year #5

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This post was quite popular, but then again who doesn’t love a good conversation about sex.

Top 5 things to NOT ask a lesbian about sex

WARNING SEXUAL CONTENT IN THIS BLOG TODAY-

I will admit that the older I get the less people ask me such crazy things. I think it is due to the fact that most of the people I spend time with are over 40. This generation does not have the same, hey lets talk about crazy sex with people we just met mentality.

I am not quite sure why people think that when you are gay, that means it is ok to ask them wildly inappropriate things.

But ask they do.

5. If you ever decide to stop being gay will you have sex with me? – First, the line to have sex with me is very long and you are not even in the first half. Second, I am a fully grown dyke. I am not confused. I know lesbians in movies get confused and have sex with men. Those are movies- as in made up stories. ( no santa is not real either)

4. Don’t you have to have a penis to have sex?- First, sex is different for everyone. Second, just because you need a penis to get off does not mean everyone does. Third, do you ask your straight friends what gets them off sexually?

3. So, do you find me attractive? First, if you are a girl, that does not mean I find you attractive. Most likely not. I have high standards. Thanks. Second, if you are a boy, sure I can appreciate a good looking man. But don’t get that mistaken for lust.

2. So, how do you have sex? How many straight people have you asked how they like to have sex ? Because they can have sex in just as many ways as I can. I am not your lesbian guide into the world of girl on girl action. Go rent season 3 of the original L Word.

1. So when you look in the mirror naked, are you attracted to yourself? Seriously. Did you just ask me that? No, I am a girl, I look in the mirror and see all of my flaws. It is fucked up for you to imply I would want to have sex with myself. Please walk away before I slap you.