Dirty Thirty

The time is upon me folks. I am turning thirty.

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I could write a sappy blog about how I don’t want to get older and blah blah blah. It would be a lie. Getting older is way better than the alternative, death. Plus I have been excited about turning thirty for probably a decade now. Finally my age matches my lifestyle. You see when you tell people you are 25 and like to go to bed at eight pm and eat oatmeal for breakfast when you rise at dawn people look at you funny. Now, I am thirty and people expect me to be a boring ass adult. What  a relief to finally meet peoples expectations.

It took me thirty years to get here. It has been one hell of a ride. Here are a few of the things I have learned in my thirty years. Hopefully you can use this knowledge in your journey to avoid death.

1. Alabama football sucks balls. Everything about Alabama football is evil. Pure Satan at work there.

2. Ghosts totally exist. Don’t believe me get away we cannot be friends.

3. Republicans are awful. Yeah I said it. Most of my friends are republicans, what does this mean??

4. I still can’t decide who gets more excited to see boobs, lesbians, teenage boys, or nursing babies. Maybe I will know this by forty.

5. Home school is where it’s at. The longer I teach in public school, the more convinced of this I am.

6. True love does exist and so do soul mates.

7. Food is medicine, prescriptions kill you.

8. I’m lactose intolerant. How the hell did I miss this for thirty years. Damn.

9. People suck. Don’t expect too much from them.

10. I need more gay friends. I am drowning in straight girls and I cannot sit around while they talk about penis anymore.

You should be afraid of that angry feminist on the corner

Beware.

Warning.

There is an angry feminist right behind you. In fact they are all over the internet. Be careful they are out to get you. Be ready, they want you to…wait for it… treat women equally. Shit. They even want equal pay. The horror. The horror. But, the bible says men and women are supposed to be treated differently. Ok, it also says you can’t eat bacon. And we all know you are probably eating bacon right this very minute. Jesus can see you. He told me. We talk because he totally is besties with my lezzie wife.

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OMG they are getting the children too!!

When did being a left wing feminist become a four letter word? I think it is when everyone stopped listening to each other and just began making stuff up. The world became obsessed with fast, fast, fast. There isn’t enough time to fact check, not enough time to look at something from another point of view, only enough time to get mad.

As a card carrying angry lesbian feminist, I have seen and heard many a things. What I have learned from it all is that at this moment in american culture we would rather fight each other over tiny details, then work together to fix big problems. Within the feminist community there is constant fighting. Black vs White. Men vs Women. Include Transgender vs. Don’t include. And the fights are just as nasty and cut throat as the ones against the republican party. 

If we cannot stand together, we are nothing. Individually we are weak. Together we are strong.

So much passion and it is beautiful. Imagine what we could accomplish together.

Its was cold for three days so global warming totally doesn’t exist

You, yes you. I am talking to you ignorant fool. The one with the W sticker still on your car and the bible you have never bothered to read on your bedside. So you decided you are a scientist. You know all about the climate because you got cold for three days in the south. I’m sure those damn climate scientists who have spent their entire life studying the climate probably actually just got their information from the same people who “made” Obama’s birth certificate.

I have been told ignorance is bliss. Sure for the ignorant people, but for the rest of us it is like having someone hit our heads against a wall.

Oh I know you got all of your info Sarah Palin and she is totally smart because she wears glasses and is in love with jesus. Jesus only supports the people are super smart. Totally.

 

 

 

What the hell is up with grass?

Can someone please explain to me the big deal about grass. No not the grass you smoke, the grass in my yard. I know what is up with that grass.

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image from :http://tstotopix.me/tag/grass/

At what point did everyone decide we needed to surround our houses with grass. Then, manicure it into perfection every week. This is a totally shit idea. To top it off you can major in lawn management at some colleges. America. SMH.

1. Even when freshly mowed, lawns don’t really look that great. Sure, Driving down the street is reminiscent of a 1950s tv show, but who the hell wants to live there? No way they were having hot sex in those separate twin beds.

2. Talk about exhausting work. I had to mow the lawn growing up, never my sister. This is where I learned to fine tune my cursing. Yes, I was that little blonde haired, blue eyed ten year old, cursing at the top of her lungs as she mowed the lawn.

3. Money. The amount of money we spend on these lawns. I mean, really people. You need, a mower, an edger, a weed eater, pills to make it grow, pills to kill the weeds, and the list goes on.

4. The old lady who lives next door to you will yell at you about your yard. “When are you going to mow, it looks awful”, “Why are you mowing your yard, now I have to mow mine!”, “Your lawnmower put grass in my yard. You need to pick it all up.” Watch out for the old ladies, they will call the cops on your unruly yard.

5. Animals use it as a bathroom. I am literally maintaining an outdoor bathroom for the neighborhood stray cats. If I could only figure out how to plant catnip next door and get them to only use the old ladies yard as a toilet.

Thank goodness, I am a good southern girl, and my daddy now pays someone to mow my lawn. I guess all those years of cursing in the yard really paid off. See kids, if you curse a lot about doing something, God will hear you and send someone to do it for you. :)

Blue Milk

This post was inspired by James Madden and rumplemintz shots:

We are feeding our children blue milk.

There was a time when they used to feed cows with leftovers from the beer breweries. This left the cows under nourished and in turn would cause them to make very thin milk. In order to conceal this from consumers they added chalk to the milk; leaving children drinking fake milk.

This is what is happening in the world of Mathematics textbooks.

Look at me! I'm bullshit math.

Look at me! I’m bullshit math.

Corrupt evil crappy geometry textbook companies, yeah that is you Pearson, Holt, and Glencoe,  got together with arrogant stupid fuck heads in the department of education. To create water downed mathematics. To the point where when you open a geometry text book it isn’t actual geometry. But NC, it looks like math to me. That my friends, is because you have been lied to for generations about  math.

You were taught blue math.

Your children are being taught  blue math.

And thus the sorry state of affairs America is in. Uneducated masses buying into the  bullshit from Fox news and Bobby Jindal.

The time has come to stop drinking blue milk my friends.

Wake the fuck up.

Stupid Humans and Their Stupid Word

Word is out to get me

I cannot understand why word still sucks. I can have a video phone call on my personal hand held computer yet I cannot get my word document to number bullet points properly. Clearly this is because of the IRS that is out to get all americans.

To be quite frank I dislike word so much that I rarely use it. But, now I am forced to work in word everyday for my new job and it sucks the big one folks. And I am sensing that word has caught on to my dislike and is not out to get me.

First it is refusing to number my bullets within a table the way I want them numbered, then it starts adding numbers to the geometric images I had in the table then out of no where the images start jumping around the screen. I kid you not folks, flying triangles all over the place on my word document.

Clearly something is going on, but what?

Maybe someone has logged into my computer and is remotely controlling my word as a hilarious joke. I bet they are just laughing their asses off, until they read this and realize I’m from the south we shoot those that piss us off.

OK seriously, it just stopped writing numbers and started giving me weird symbols instead. The aliens are coming for me. Dear lord, I haven’t done everything I want to in life. I’m too young to be probed. I haven’t met Ani Difranco, even though she did wish me congratulations on my new baby because she knows my friend. And my friend was all NC had a baby because she knew my idol would care and she did care. Because we are kindred souls and she senses it, which I guess totally counts as meeting her, so ok aliens take me away, just give me the good drugs before you probe me please. I don’t want to remember this shit.

Maybe we are all already aliens and that is why word never works. It only works for humans. Damn you stupid humans and your stupid word.

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creepy motherfuckers

I don’t want to sound paranoid, but the internet is creepy. As in landlord putting cameras in your shower creepy.It is impossible to use the internet and keep information from people who want to find you. Seriously impossible. Thankfully my blog has no identifiable features that tie it to me in real life because I would be mad if I had to delete my blog and start over. I mean I have 2600 followers who  would be devastated.

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I am going to have to slowly delete myself from all things social online. Which totally sucks monkey balls. The extra hairy ones. What I want to know is why the hell is it ok for someone to be able to have a full criminal background check on you for the low low price of 19.95! The people that run these businesses are assholes. Yeah, you heard me. Assholes.

No one should be able to get on a computer and look up how much I owe on my house, car, etc. A satellite shot of my house. And a listing of all my social networks. That is total crap. I don’t usually buy into conspiracy theories, but come on people. What is really going on here?

Maybe serial killers invented the internet because they knew one day everyone would write all about their life everyday and give them easy access to the perfect victims. Name one click. Photos two clicks. Work schedule three clicks and five bucks. Done you are murdered. In the good old days serial killers had to spend years stalking their victims leaving evidence all along the way.

Or maybe ex girlfriends anonymous invented the internet? Want to make sure you ex is more miserable than you, well join our site for a low cost of 3.95 a month and we will send you updated photos every hour of their misery.

I often wonder if someone were to look over my giant internet footprint what they would think of me? Who would they think I am based on my tweets, instagrams, and facebook likes?

 

I suck at tweeting and so do you

Somehow I have acquired over 2500 blog followers. Yet, I cannot seem to get over 100 twitter followers.

So I have decided I suck at tweeting. I know this to be completely true.

Here are some examples of my lame tweets that you are all missing out on:

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1.There is a huge difference between a good apple and a shitty apple. I’m just saying.

2. Let’s be friends but never hang out. So strangers. Let’s be strangers.

3. I won’t say back pack Dora. You can’t make me.

4. Anyone up for a quick run? And by quick run I mean mimosa. We drink at dawn in Louisiana.

5. So little time so much to do. Good thing I’m magic.

6. Damn it Dora. No means no. I won’t say map either. Even if he comes with cool jazzy music.

7. The wife is cleaning up after me because that is what wives are for.

8. Sending prayers to the dryer gods Wait… There aren’t multiple gods controlling my laundry. Damn that was excuse for my clothes.

9. Camera- child one breaks into tomorrow from Annie with Jazz hands . Camera- child two death stare and goes still

 

 

Clearly I need more than 140 characters to write anything of any significance.

Are you a troll? Are you sure?

I have noticed that some people do not realize they are being total trolls online. Its like they think everyone wants to hear their opinions. Why yes, I posted an article or thought online with the sole purpose of getting other peoples opinions. No.

Photo from Maximum Wage

Photo from Maximum Wage

Signs you might be an internet troll and need to get over yourself:

1. Are the comments you make more often than not negative or argumentative and you find yourself disagreeing with everyone?

-I hate to break it to you, but its you not me and we need to break up. Ha Ha just kidding, I would never date a troll.

2. You find that you think everybody is against you and you are the only logical one out there?

-Unless you are Mississippi.

3. You have no friends. Why would someone befriend a troll? I mean their hair is out of control.

-No the people in your AOL chat room are not your friends, in fact I’m pretty sure they are all the guy down the street with 100 cats.

4. If you have an opinion you can’t keep it in ever. It bubbles up under your skin until you explode all over the comment section and tell everyone they are wrong and you are right damnit!

-While everyone has the right to an opinion, time and place folks. Comment number 1532 is not the place, nor is the french bakery on a sunday  morning. Breakfast is off limits, don’t fuck with breakfast.

5. You feel like you don’t understand anyone today. Because you don’t. Trolls make judgements based on small pieces of internet writing and assume all kinds of things.

- The only way to get the whole story is face to face. Don’t get it twisted and all upset over 140 characters as if you know the whole story, and if the whole story is 140 characters its a lame story and not worth your time.

My belated Thanksgiving post, because why the hell not?

While reading this, imagine it is thanksgiving :)

Every where I turn online people are writing about the things they are thankful for. Because they apparently are only thankful during thanksgiving. Yet, I struggle to understand this holiday. I struggle to understand how people can pretend to be thankful and then the majority of they year be filled with such negativity towards each other and such hatred.

So instead of writing a post about things I am thankful for, I am going to write about hypocritical things I do not understand

 

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1. People who are pro life, but only the lives they deem worthy. For some that is unborn, but not the innocent on death row. For others that is those who are in their religion, but not others. For some that is simply their life and no one else’s. How can you pick and chose whose life is worthy and whose is not. Do you really think you know that much about everyone’s life?

2. People who think the only people on government assistance don’t need it, and are living the high life, and then tell you, that you should try and get on food stamps because everyone else is. Because getting $4 a day for food from the government is really making you dependent on anything.

3. People who would rather spend tens of thousands of dollars a year on private school then a couple extra hundred a year in taxes to make the public schools better. You know because when you spend money on taxes its evil even when it is less than the alternative.

4. People who spend years and years complaining about their life, but do not want to do anything to make it better. Or have an excuse as to why they can’t do anything to make it better. (not talking about those cases where you truly cannot do anything of course)

5. People who think if you don’t hit your child they will grow up spoiled and useless. Yes, you are so right. We must teach our children the only way anyone learns anything is through violence. Because that is working so well for the world. P.S. 80% of american still spank their kids, so saying youth today are spoiled bc they were not spanked isn’t going to work for you. How about we all just do our best to raise our kids? Just a thought.