What the hell is up with grass?

Can someone please explain to me the big deal about grass. No not the grass you smoke, the grass in my yard. I know what is up with that grass.

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At what point did everyone decide we needed to surround our houses with grass. Then, manicure it into perfection every week. This is a totally shit idea. To top it off you can major in lawn management at some colleges. America. SMH.

1. Even when freshly mowed, lawns don’t really look that great. Sure, Driving down the street is reminiscent of a 1950s tv show, but who the hell wants to live there? No way they were having hot sex in those separate twin beds.

2. Talk about exhausting work. I had to mow the lawn growing up, never my sister. This is where I learned to fine tune my cursing. Yes, I was that little blonde haired, blue eyed ten year old, cursing at the top of her lungs as she mowed the lawn.

3. Money. The amount of money we spend on these lawns. I mean, really people. You need, a mower, an edger, a weed eater, pills to make it grow, pills to kill the weeds, and the list goes on.

4. The old lady who lives next door to you will yell at you about your yard. “When are you going to mow, it looks awful”, “Why are you mowing your yard, now I have to mow mine!”, “Your lawnmower put grass in my yard. You need to pick it all up.” Watch out for the old ladies, they will call the cops on your unruly yard.

5. Animals use it as a bathroom. I am literally maintaining an outdoor bathroom for the neighborhood stray cats. If I could only figure out how to plant catnip next door and get them to only use the old ladies yard as a toilet.

Thank goodness, I am a good southern girl, and my daddy now pays someone to mow my lawn. I guess all those years of cursing in the yard really paid off. See kids, if you curse a lot about doing something, God will hear you and send someone to do it for you. :)

What Remains

I am attempting to grow a garden. At a wonderful request by Shannon I am going to fill you in with the dramatic tale of what has been happening to my garden. For this story to make any sense you must know where it all began Part One and Part Two.

It was a wonderful time my garden was growing beautifully. Veggies were full of life. And then I went on vacation for a couple of days. It was as though they were just waiting for me to leave. Watching my every move. Yes that is correct, the  thug cats in my neighborhood attacked my garden You see I have thug cats in my neighborhood. They run the streets. Not even the pitbulls have survived in the neighborhood, but they survive. I would not go out after dark if I were you. They will cut you. They lay on my car in the morning just daring me to say something to them.

They ate out almost the entire garden. I should have seen it coming. Set up traps while I was gone.

What remains

Update: Gardening dreams

I know that all of you are on edge as to the status of my garden. I will put you out of your misery. It is thriving! And I have not forgotten to water it yet!

In Case you have forgotten Here is the original post about my garden.

It started as this:

The finished garden! Have you seen anything more precious? Of course you haven't.

 

And One week later it is now this !

Who knew I had such a green thumb?

And Two weeks later! ( yes I just went out in the dark to take this picture)

On my way to being a true American Farmer

 

The DIY project missing from your life

There are many wonderful things about living in the south. I am going back and forth about if there are enough wonderful things to keep me here. But, for now… Here is where I am supposed to be. One of the positives is being able to garden almost year round.

Weekend Mission should I choose to accept it:

1. Kick ass.  duh already do that every day. Check that one off the list

2. Make epic Cincinnati Chili. OMG OMG the recipe I found is beyond perfect. Of course I didn’t follow the recipe. Would I be me if I did? Will post the recipe later because you all need to eat this. Before your life spirals into an abyss of boring food.

3. Plant the best vegetable garden the world has ever seen. See photographic proof below.

*Warning, I got this garden concept from pinterest* :) http://www.apartmenttherapy.com

I found a random pallet, in the trunk of my car. Right after visiting my friend at a big store. Odd huh? We, and by we I mean my wife, covered the back in black yard fabric. I spent an hour finding the perfect place in the backyard and then filling it with garden soil. Why garden soil? Because garden soil must be better than regular soil or they wouldn’t sell it. If you can’t tell yet, I know nothing about gardening. But I am on a mission to go more organic and green. So, damnit. I am going to garden.

The cutest garden ever

My next step was to plant my herbs in my little garden box. I planted lavender, rosemary, chives, and basil. I also planted cucumbers, and a tomato plant. I still have lots of room, but I am going to see if I can keep these plants alive first.

Did I mention you have to wear a tutu to garden effectively?

My daughter was a crucial part of the gardening process. She stands by points her finger and tells me what to do. What would I do without that? Most toddlers would play in the dirt, but if she touched the dirt her fingers would be “nasty.” And we can’t have that, now can we?

Damn, those are some sexy legs.

The last step, and most important, is to water the garden. This was my downfall last year. I just started to forget to water. This year, I will remember!!! Hope springs eternal people.

The finished garden! Have you seen anything more precious? Of course you haven't.

As a last ditch effort I planted sunflowers along my back fence because you and I both know I will forget to water my garden and it will die. And if it doesn’t die the evil thug cats that the old lady next door is training to take over the neighborhood will destroy it. So when that happens I will need something sunny and happy to make me feel successful. Thus the sunflowers.

Location of future sunflowers

Oink

As I ran through my neighborhood this evening. I passed all of my sweet and caring neighbors. Not a single one waved back as I passed and said hello. The only ones who talked to me yelled sorry as their chihuahua ran after me. Then yelled at her boyfriend to get the dog. That is the most they have ever said to me.

What happened america? I thought the suburbs were where everyone hangs out and barbeques every weekend. Damn you nick at night for filling my head with dreams. I get more action hanging out at the dead pig at work. Yeah big giant dead pig they are observing as it slowly decays outside. When I heard about it the kid inside me yelled “freakin awesome, show me! show me!” And the adult whispered ” Are they allowed to do that?” I couldn’t make this shit up.

A dead pig is more popular than I am? Where did I go wrong?

the gym lies

I went for run today for the first time in years. I have been going to the gym and foolishly thought hey I can go four miles on the eliptical I can totally run to the park and back. 2 miles. Face palm. Its 50 degrees this morning, perfect for a run. I stretch out in the driveway, tie my key to my shoes, and head for the open road. As I turn off my street my shins start to hurt, I can’t breathe, and this sinking feeling of vomitting sets in. I can still see the house what did I get myself into. I shrug it off. I can do this. I run all the time at the gym damnit. As I go farther down the street I am becoming convinced that I will indeed pass out and die right here in suburbia. Where no one will even notice since i have only met one neighbor in two years. Oh I see them but they are far to busy with their own lives. Of course If I were 8 months pregnant and still smoking I wouldnt want to talk to anyone either (yeah we all see you neighbor lady). But that is a whole different blog for another day.

What was I saying .. Oh yeah. The damn gym let me believe I was getting in shape. lies. Well I did make it to the park and back, but it was far tougher than I thought it would be. Now I feel like the gauntlet has been thrown by the road. Its taunting me. But I will not give up. I love nothing more than a good challenge.

rain

The rain it can be so many different things. It can make life bloom in one town and take it away in another. A soft summer rain can make sleep so sweet, but the booming thunderstorms can make sleep unreachable.

I used to wait and wait for a rain storm so i could run in the rain and splash in the puddles. My own personal water park. Racing popsicle sticks down the gutters.

But nothing was like swimming in the rain. The pool would be empty because who goes to the pool when its raining, but no thunder meant they had to let me swim. The poor lifeguards.

some say rain cleanses the aura. a new beginning. Wouldn’t it be nice if rain brought a new beginning everywhere it went.

Living in the South Part 1

My daughter has a tractor. Yes a large green tractor. Solid metal she climbs on in the back yard. Oh and she wears a lot of camo. I don’t buy her camo myself, but if someone gives you an adorable pink camo dress, how can you not put it on your child.

Now if you don’t live in the south you might not understand this. But down here this is quite normal.

I have heard people from way up in Virginia call themselves southerners. Face Palm. If you live north of Alabama you are not living in the deep south and quite frankly it doesn’t count. Sure you may drink sweet tea and say y’all. Oh but that does not make you southern.

Southern is a state of mind a way of living unique unto its own. It’s hard to truly explain the south’s unique beauty. It’s a beauty you love and hate at the same time, you may want to walk hell run from it but you  can’t. It sucks you in.

When I first moved to the south in high school from Minnesota. Oh they called me Yankee and told me I sounded funny. I felt so excluded. It was painful. Because in the south if we don’t know you, well then we don’t know you. What gets you though it is that once people learn to know you and welcome you into your home its for life. Its a bond of friendship unlike any other I have ever come across. This is why people are so proud of being southern and this is the same reason why if you aren’t from the south you can’t understand it because you have never experienced it.

The most magical place on earth

My backyard is magic. Magic I tell you.

We can sit inside for five minutes and my daughter will begin to scream with boredom. But outside, we could do nothing for hours and she is the picture of peace and grace.

I think it could be the excitement of the patch of grass that is a foot tall, or majestic ants that roam the yard looking for adventure, oh and dont forget the always tasty dirt. Her newest adventure has become taking the bocce balls one at a time on an epic journey over the ant hills, through the grass, past the dead tree and under the hammock to me lining them up and then bringing them back across the yard. But that sounds so dangerous you say. Ahh but I am raising her to be fearless. hahahaha

So there was only one solution build a deck so i can sit outside for hours with my daughter.