Nightmares

The nightmares of a two year old:

image from national geographic

T: Mommy! Mommy ! The monkey is sleeping.

NC: Yes baby the monkey is sleeping

T: No, it took my dress. It is a nasty nasty yucky monkey. It is in the house. It is going to hurt me.

NC: No, baby, there are no monkeys in the house. We left them at the zoo all locked up.

T: The monkey is at the door.

NC: No baby there are no monkeys at the door. I promise.

T: The kitty will attack the monkey when he gets in the house.

NC: Ok good thing we have a kitty.

Priceless moments with your friendly cashier

Scene: Target Check out line

Characters: Daughter and wife ( I was at school)

 

Wife walks up to cashier.

Cashier: My you are a pretty girl. You must look like your daddy. [ implying that my daughter looks nothing like my wife]

Daughter: I don’t have a daddy. Mama!

Wife: She doesn’t have a dad.

Daughter: This is my mama, my mommy is at school

Cashier: Silence

 

 

The ability to make strangers leave you alone. Priceless.

Conversations with a 2 year old

Conversations with my 2 year old:

 

Me- In five minutes it is bed time

Five minutes later

Me- Come here T.

T- No I’m not stupid.

 

In reference to her barbie skipper

T- I want Skipper to say hi to the boys.

 

Dad at Park- I can’t remember how old my kid is, I am a terrible father

T- He is stupid.

 

T- I want to watch bad guys

Me- How about a princess movie

T- No, bad guys.

 

Me- T, I don’t feel good sing me soft kitty.

T- Soft kitty, warm kitty… BAD KITTY hahaha.

 

At the splash park

T- points at a four year old- he is a baby he has a diaper.

kid runs away crying.

Wife to mom- I’m so sorry, I will make her apologize

Mom- no he needs to man up and stop wearing diapers.

 

At the park on the swings

T- Talking to one year old next to her- this is my mama my mommy is at school.

Dad takes kid and leaves.

So you think you can tell me what to do

We have entered the no nap zone at my house- the war to end all wars.

 

For any parent out there, they know this war. You never see it coming. Blindsided by a week or a month of fuss free napping, and BAM no more naps! The screaming, the room torn apart, the need for extra wine each night.

One must be careful and plan a strategy when these battles start to break out. You cannot just run in screaming. That’s what they want you to do.

 

1. The I am going to exhaust you each morning strategy. I know you think the pool is fun, but really it is my way of making you so tired you cannot resist the nap.

2. The Bribe method. If you take a nap, all of your wildest dreams will come true. I promise. Really I do. Damn, even I don’t believe that one.

3. The reverse psychology method. Don’t make them take a nap, let them run around like a wild beast hoping they pass out before bed time. *This method is not for the OCD parents out there*

4. Get a babysitter for nap time. This method can be costly, but if you are not home to make nap happen, then you can tell yourself it did happen. Or that is was the babysitters fault. Damn babysitter.

5. Give up completely. Forgo naps and decide the best thing to do in the afternoons is build giant forts in the living room and protect princesses from dragons.

So you want me to clean up do you?

Signs your child may  grow up to be on the OCD side of life:

1. Scene- Dinner. Drinking milk. A single drop lands on their shirt.  “ow ow ow, it hurts!!” Magically the pain goes away when you wipe up the milk.

2. Scene- Outside. Playing. Dirt gets on their hand. They throw their hands up and run to the door shouting nasty, nasty!

3. Scene- Their room. Getting dressed. Each outfit must be painstakingly matched, including socks, shoes, underwear, and hair bows. Yes my child can coordinate better than I can.

4. Scene- Living Room. Playing Castle. The child notices a piece of hair on the floor, picks it up gives you a look of disdain saying that’s gross and proceeds to throw it away.

5. Scene- Outside. Anything that could potentially be a bug. Your child points at the bug and yells don’t touch that. Bugs bite.

Reaching new life goals everyday

I have reached a new level in life. One that I never imagined possible.

That is the level of running after a half naked child down the hallway of a hotel.

I know, I know one hopes and hopes to reach this level, not ever knowing if they will.

Feel free congratulate me next time you see me.

 

What did I do to achieve such an amazing goal?

1. First, one must make it a goal to let you child run free. We are all meant to run free.

2. Second, one must try to put as many clothes on your child as is possible, there by making them hate the idea of clothes all together.

3. One must order room service, so they can sneak out the door. They are always looking for a chance to escape. Don’t let them fool you.

 

 

I will not have my usual nightly access to a computer this week. Have a wonderful week. Talk to you all soon.

 

 

The lies they are telling our kids

I have issues with children’s books and movies.

Yeah, I said it.

They are rife with inaccuracies and terrible characters. Sure the first time you watch a movie you don’t notice that the little cartoons are doing things that are impossible. But, after the 20th time, your whole perspective changes.

Goofy minds the house:

A book about how goofy and his wife switch roles for the day. Not only does goofy live on a farm in a one room hut with a straw roof. He has to cook his food over the stove and does not have running water. Yet, he can plug a fan into the wall.

Thank you for being my friend: 

A book that has no mention of friends.

Nemo:

This movie just gets under my skin. The dad is a terrible mean man. He is nothing, but cruel the entire movie to Dori.

Lilo and Stitch:

The whiney immature teen sister is so shitty that social services is taking her sister away, yes lets show this movie to my child. And why is her sister so short? She only comes up to her knee in height. That is the height of a one year old. Yet she is old enough to roam the town by herself?

The princess and the frog:

Racial stereotypes all over this one, but that isn’t the worst part. The voodoo is. That is a scary voodoo man who gets pulled into hell. Everyone knows you get turned into a snake and made into a voodoo charm when your voodoo goes bad.

Mickey Mouse Club: 

Donald does not wear any pants, unless he is swimming. Why? Secondly, why do they all wear white gloves except the ducks?

I need a date night at the movies with real adult movies. HELP!!!

Good ol’ teenage angst

Every teenager has a list at the ready to be recited of things their parents have done to screw them up. Naturally, I do not want to deprive my daughter of being able to do this.

1. I have told her that wheat bread cut into circles is in fact a cookie. She literally thinks she is eating cookies. It has worked so well that when she if offered a real cookie she refuses to eat them.

2. Every day after work we have a dance party. She is at the age where she loves to copy what I do. I purposely do horrible dance moves. She copies them thinking we are great dancers. This will be quite the disappointment for her later.

3. During our dance party she always requests Lady Gaga. What better to dance to. The only problem is she is a little young for most of her songs. So, I play oldies and tell her it is Lady Gaga.

4. She will go to the school I work at. (unless we move). Yep pre k- 12th grade. Be at a school where everyone knows me and I know all her friends and what they are all up to. She may even be in my class, more than once.

But really everything I have done is small potatoes in comparison to the ridiculous things parents have said with auto correct on their smart phones. If you really want a good laugh, go to the bathroom first, then click here.

Let’s Play!

What makes a good playground?

Let's spin till we puke!

I have been to what seems like every playground in town. I have discovered many things.

1. Playgrounds with sand suck. Apparently there was a memo sent out to every cigarette smoker telling them to leave their cigarette butts in the park sand. It does look like a giant ash tray, if you are drunk.

2. Playgrounds with metal slides are lame. It is like saying ooh ooh look we have shiny toys, but don’t touch or you will burn your bum.

3. Rubber ground playgrounds=love. I heart you rubber bouncy floor.

4. The less kids at a playground the better. Nothing is worse than snobby moms at the playground. Wait, yes there is. When they stop talking the moment you walk over the swing your child next to them, and stay silent until you leave.

5. Playgrounds are a bust without a bathroom. That is unless you are cool with letting your kid pee outside in public.

 

 

In honor of the National Day of Silence I will not be blogging tomorrow. It is a day set aside to stand up against bullying/suicide of LGBT youth. 

It is official…

It is too late for me my friends. I am one of those people.

Sure I have been denying it for years. I ignored the fact that I would get excited about going to Home Depot to buy plants. Pretended I was only going to bed by nine because I had a new baby. Yes, I even own a pair of mom jeans.  They are just so comfy. But, when subconsciously I started singing the mickey mouse club ending song and doing the Minnie mouse dance in the shower tonight I knew it was over for me. I am officially a lame parent. Set on a path of endless embarrassment for my child. Even now the song is in my head. “Hot dog, Hot dog, Hot diggity dog”