Well Hello Strangers…..

So sorry my lovely followers. Are there any of you left? I do hope so.

I know it has been months since I posted and I have quite a good excuse. You see, I had to take a second job writing math curriculum to make my bills. And as you can imagine teaching full time and writing part time left little time to sleep let alone write for fun. Do not fear, I am determined to blog twice a month this year, damnit!

The quick and short update for what has happened to NC since September:

1. I have been teaching in the country. As in, I drive past three mobile home dealerships on my way to work each day, country. The most popular boys at my school have mullets. This is now my life. Send help if I start saying I am listening to Toby Keith.

 

2.  My youngest daughter decided sleeping through the night is totally overrated. Needless to say I think I remember what it feels like to sleep a whole night through. Maybe.

 

3. My oldest had her tonsils out. If you have not had the joy of this experience, oh you are missing out. It is most certainly the seventh level of hell. If the dr tells you, oh your child should get their tonsils out, curse your life because it will be awful, horrible, and scary.

 

4. I became a whole new level of crunchy. I have crossed over y’all. There is no turning back. This deserves its own post. Conversations in my house. “You are feeling sick, have you eaten any garlic?” “She got her uterus removed, I bet she wore tampons” “You really need to save your placenta”

 

5. I stood up for myself at work. Another teacher was not doing their work and I was told my expectations were too high. Not only did I not let them walk over me, I told them right then and there, that their behavior was unacceptable and ridiculous. Anyone else want to try me? Let’s go. I will be here all year. Let me just put down my Toby Keith CD and we can take this out back.

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What the hell is up with grass?

Can someone please explain to me the big deal about grass. No not the grass you smoke, the grass in my yard. I know what is up with that grass.

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image from :http://tstotopix.me/tag/grass/

At what point did everyone decide we needed to surround our houses with grass. Then, manicure it into perfection every week. This is a totally shit idea. To top it off you can major in lawn management at some colleges. America. SMH.

1. Even when freshly mowed, lawns don’t really look that great. Sure, Driving down the street is reminiscent of a 1950s tv show, but who the hell wants to live there? No way they were having hot sex in those separate twin beds.

2. Talk about exhausting work. I had to mow the lawn growing up, never my sister. This is where I learned to fine tune my cursing. Yes, I was that little blonde haired, blue eyed ten year old, cursing at the top of her lungs as she mowed the lawn.

3. Money. The amount of money we spend on these lawns. I mean, really people. You need, a mower, an edger, a weed eater, pills to make it grow, pills to kill the weeds, and the list goes on.

4. The old lady who lives next door to you will yell at you about your yard. “When are you going to mow, it looks awful”, “Why are you mowing your yard, now I have to mow mine!”, “Your lawnmower put grass in my yard. You need to pick it all up.” Watch out for the old ladies, they will call the cops on your unruly yard.

5. Animals use it as a bathroom. I am literally maintaining an outdoor bathroom for the neighborhood stray cats. If I could only figure out how to plant catnip next door and get them to only use the old ladies yard as a toilet.

Thank goodness, I am a good southern girl, and my daddy now pays someone to mow my lawn. I guess all those years of cursing in the yard really paid off. See kids, if you curse a lot about doing something, God will hear you and send someone to do it for you. :)

Cut your parents some slack

Today while I was on lunch duty, by the pizza line (yes the pizza they serve in a pre-made plastic bag) , in the rain, I watched high schoolers stand in the quad and just get rained on. For the life of my I could understand why they didn’t just go inside to the cafeteria. Why did they need to stand in the rain and eat? While contemplating this, and crossing my fingers no one hit anyone because I sure as hell was not going out in that rain, I realized I did the same thing in high school. When it would rain, I would go out of my way to go outside and walk in the rain and splash in the puddles in between classes. Yet, I have no clue why I did this. Seriously, it is gone from my mind.

So maybe your parents did do the crazy things you are doing now, but they don’t know why they did them and can no longer understand them. Cut them some slack, they were just like you once. Even if they forget why.

A week ago my daughter woke up crying to get into bed with me. It made me think back to when I would have a nightmare and run into my parents room and instantly feel safe laying between them. What frightened me was that I am now this safety net for someone else. What immense pressure. I don’t know what I am doing, hell I’m still afraid of all the bumps I hear in the night. How can I possibly be the creator of safety? I wonder how scared my parents were when I was young and ran to them. If they were, they never let it show.

The moral of the story is: kids, the next time your parents are acting a fool, just remember one day you will become them and you will have no idea how you got there, so be patient with us and hope your kids will be patient with you. We don’t know as much as we look like we do.

Super mom, keeping small children safe from giraffes everyday.

Super mom, keeping small children safe from giraffes everyday.

 

God speaks… through post it notes

God speaks in mysterious ways, or so I have been told.

And his message was very clear.

I stood up the other day and this was stuck to my butt.

damn god has sexy handwriting

damn god has sexy handwriting

 

I am not certain if was telling me I  like boys or that he likes boys? But, Since we all know I don’t like boys clearly god was telling me that he is gay. Or he is a straight woman. Maybe the message wasn’t that clear after all.

Everyone’s an Addict

What’s your poison?

Looks tasty, I'll have a shot!

Looks tasty, I’ll have a shot!

Is it fast food? Romance Novels? Watching grass grow? Perhaps something harder? Alcohol? Cigarettes? Clown Porn?

me?

It’s exercise.

The kind that you hate to give in to, you dread it, and then somewhere in the middle of it the dread washes away. The adrenaline rushes through your body reaching into your soul. The road beckons you to just go a little further. The wind swirls past you seeming to lure you around the corner. As you slow to a walk, they call to you, begging your return. And in a matter of moments, I am ready to turn around and begin again. Damn, it feels so good.

For some of you this may sound a trifle  addiction. Sure, I can wax poetic about it now, because right now I have it under control. Right now I am not exercising on my way to exercise. Right now I am not laying in bed thinking about my next workout. Right now I am not consumed. How long can I remain in the Right now?

Can you walk the line?

You know it isn’t a straight line, don’t you? The damn line is always moving trying to get me to fall off.

Damn line.  Don’t they know lines are infinitely straight? Who do they think they are?

Silence

There is a quiet out here that is unerving

Leaving you alone with your thoughts

Can you imagine a scarier place to be?

Perhaps

Even the wind is afraid to speak

Yet

In the silence their is also a beautiful calm

One that slows your breath

and softens your gaze

I think the colors are brighter out here

Maybe without the noise

I can finally see clearly

through the chaos

and into the beauty that lies within

To be or not to be… out that is…

In one week I start teaching at a new school. I am going  back to working in public school.

Every year teachers are frantic setting up bulletin boards, prepping lessons, and worrying about whether or not they will get the crazy students this year all in one class.

 

But not me.

 

I am distraught over what to tell my students about my wife.

In Louisiana it is legal to fire someone for being gay. Especially if they work with impressionable youth. My school is progressive, they have a gay straight alliance. And the GSA even has a bulletin board on a main hallway in school. But, that is not the same as an adult teaching children it gets better.

 

I could ask my principal what she wants me to say, but last time I asked that, I was fired.

 

I could just do my usual and use words like ‘they’ when they students ask about my husband, and simply not correct them. But, when I do that I feel like I am doing the young gay kids in my class an injustice. I am standing there telling them they should have to hide who they are because it might make someone uncomfortable. Which is not right.

I could correct them when they ask about my husband. But, if I do that do I use the word partner or wife? I use the term wife because we are married, and I personally feel partner is a second class separate but equal term. But, in god’s country, people may not take kindly to me using the word wife. Because didn’t you know that using the word wife means you are shoving your ‘lifestyle’ in everyone’s faces?

Wouldn’t it be nice if I could just go to work?

Wouldn’t it be nice if I didn’t have to worry that a moral lynch mob was going to come after my job simply because I am married?

Maybe If I were butch, the kids would assume I was gay and not ask me about my husband?

I wish I didn’t work with kids sometimes, but honestly, I am a fantastic teacher. Why should the kids miss out on a great teacher, and why should I have to change careers because a preacher can’t be bothered to read his bible?

Or maybe one day, it won’t matter that I’m gay.

 

 

Maybe one day I will convince a school to do an it gets better video?

What I learned in Grad School…

I am now a master.

I have learned quite a few life changing things while in grad school. Out of the goodness of my heart I have decided to share a few with you.

 

1. Putting a group of adults into one room for eight hours a day for an entire summer is a terrible idea. Somehow we made it out alive, yet I am not sure how.

 

2. If you are lucky people will leave you notes on how to use a toilet.

photo 1

 

Thank goodness I went to grad school! I had no idea you were supposed to flush these fancy things.

3. Good men still exist.

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Isn’t nice of this young man to warn girls ahead of time that he has a small dick.

 

4. If you tell your advisor that you are going to get shots, he will ask to come with you.

photo 3

 

5. Whatever anyone says it is totally worth it. Educate yourself people.

Blue Milk

This post was inspired by James Madden and rumplemintz shots:

We are feeding our children blue milk.

There was a time when they used to feed cows with leftovers from the beer breweries. This left the cows under nourished and in turn would cause them to make very thin milk. In order to conceal this from consumers they added chalk to the milk; leaving children drinking fake milk.

This is what is happening in the world of Mathematics textbooks.

Look at me! I'm bullshit math.

Look at me! I’m bullshit math.

Corrupt evil crappy geometry textbook companies, yeah that is you Pearson, Holt, and Glencoe,  got together with arrogant stupid fuck heads in the department of education. To create water downed mathematics. To the point where when you open a geometry text book it isn’t actual geometry. But NC, it looks like math to me. That my friends, is because you have been lied to for generations about  math.

You were taught blue math.

Your children are being taught  blue math.

And thus the sorry state of affairs America is in. Uneducated masses buying into the  bullshit from Fox news and Bobby Jindal.

The time has come to stop drinking blue milk my friends.

Wake the fuck up.

Oh the places we go…

My friends I know I have been gone far too long. Here are my very justifiable excuses:

1. Grad School Thesis- two weeks left fingers crossed

2. Family Vacation- went to the beach so be jealous

3. Took on a second job- I got 99 problems and bills are one.

 

Here is the epic beach trip we took for my daughters 3rd birthday. What? I have a three year old, but I look so young? I know I know its a curse :)

 

First we get into the car. Because obviously the government is still holding its transporter secret. Damn government. The first that happens is I see corn fields. When I used to see corn fields I would think children of the corn. Every damn time. Now I think “Is that GMO corn.” Dear god, I have gone over to the green side y’all. There is no hope for me. Save yourselves.

This corn will kill you! Watch out!!

This corn will kill you! Watch out!!

Now I realize I was in alabama, but apparently they need to let you know that if you are hungry you should eat.

I'm hungry, but not for your nasty food.

I’m hungry, but not for your nasty food.

You probably can’t see it but it says hungry in giant letters I promise. Then, I think well once I get to the beach I will safe from this food that is obviously trying to get me. And then this happens.

Did the SUV make it? I will never know.

Did the SUV make it? I will never know.

Sure, I could have been a good person and tried to help them from their inevitable demise by shark attack, but who are we kidding I am pro- choice, so we all know I don’t care about human life.

To come full circle on my satanic beach trip we all settled into the condo to play a little magic. Because nothing like casting spells and fighting the underworld to make you feel better about life.

Can you feel the evilness.

Can you feel the evilness?