It’s Just Not Right

Every morning, I drive 30 minutes out into the coon ass country of Louisiana’s Bayou for work in the pitch black darkness that is daylight savings time.

On my long commute I pass a McDonald’s. It has a very large glass room two stories high in the front for a play area.

The only problem is there is nothing in said room. NOTHING. It is just a giant empty glass room.

What the hell McDonalds?

This is what you are supposed to look like, not all empty and depressing

Did something happen and they had to take down the play room and were not able to put it back up?

Were the owners too cheap and just never put it up in the first place?

Perhaps the traffic causing aliens took it to their home planet?

It bothers me to no end. McDonald’s is built on the concept of you get exactly the same nasty ass shit in every store. This is not that. I need my McDonald’s to be reliable damn it.

Sure, Sure I could go in and ask them, but then I would look like a crazy lady. And we can’t have that. Because the opinion of strangers is really the key to all happiness in life.

She Carrie Bradshawed him…

It all started when my brother started dating this girl. Let’s call her Jenny. Jenny and my brother let’s call him Tommy, fell quickly in love. Although none of us knew why. We all just watched their relationship like a slow moving accident waiting for them to explode. And did they.

carrie_bradshaw_wears_pearl

I love them both dearly, but separately. Very separately. Jenny is a free spirit. The type of spirit not meant to be tied down to a person or a place. I could easily see her wandering Tibet on a spiritual journey. Tommy is a carefree, but stable man.  Though he may not realize it all of the time he is a southern family man. Their life paths simply were not headed in the same direction.

But who cares when you are in love. They got engaged anyways. After a year of negotiation. *Hint to readers, your engagement should not require negotiation. *

They were engaged for a few months, when their friends threw them an engagement party. We walked up the steps of this beautiful New Orleans Row house and there she was. Just standing there with her engagement ring on a necklace around her neck.

The entire sub plot of Carrie’s engagement to Aiden flashed before my eyes. Is she really at her own engagement party and not wearing the ring on her finger. This is not seriously happening. Who does this? I wanted to ask her just to see if she would say that she wanted the ring to be close to her heart, like Carrie used to say.

How did no one else at this party notice? Maybe we all noticed and we just didn’t say anything.

A few weeks later she broke it off. My brother broke into a million pieces. How do you tell someone that you saw this coming, we all saw this coming?

There are things that happen in real life and things that happen on tv and every once in a while they both happen together in a monumental disastrous way.

Did that really happen? Did she really Carrie Bradshaw her own engagement party?

Yes

Yes it did.

Thug Hipster Teacher

There may only be a few of you that were following my blog in 2011. For those of you who were not I wrote this lovely little piece about my life goals HERE. In this post I discuss my disdain for new years resolutions as well as my three current life goals. The most important goal on my list was clearly learning to drink my coffee black.

My coffee can beat up your coffee

My coffee can beat up your coffee

Guess what my lovelies? I have not only accomplished this goal, I have blow that shit out the water. I now drink shitty break room coffee black.

If only you could see how this has increased my thug hipster image in the teachers lounge. I stroll in with my skinny jeans, my hipster thick glasses, and my worn out converse. Slowly walking towards the circle of teachers in over sized school sweatshirts hovering around the coffee pot as if it were the magic ticket out of that hellish parent conference you have waiting for you in the next room. They part as I walk over without even knowing why. I pour my coffee into my cheap paper cup and turn to walk away, having said nothing to them. By the time  I get to the door I have chugged the entire cup of hot coffee and toss the cup in the trash. Leaving nothing but questions in my wake.

Thug hipster teacher goal check.

Now to come up with a replacement goal…..

 

What the hell is up with grass?

Can someone please explain to me the big deal about grass. No not the grass you smoke, the grass in my yard. I know what is up with that grass.

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image from :http://tstotopix.me/tag/grass/

At what point did everyone decide we needed to surround our houses with grass. Then, manicure it into perfection every week. This is a totally shit idea. To top it off you can major in lawn management at some colleges. America. SMH.

1. Even when freshly mowed, lawns don’t really look that great. Sure, Driving down the street is reminiscent of a 1950s tv show, but who the hell wants to live there? No way they were having hot sex in those separate twin beds.

2. Talk about exhausting work. I had to mow the lawn growing up, never my sister. This is where I learned to fine tune my cursing. Yes, I was that little blonde haired, blue eyed ten year old, cursing at the top of her lungs as she mowed the lawn.

3. Money. The amount of money we spend on these lawns. I mean, really people. You need, a mower, an edger, a weed eater, pills to make it grow, pills to kill the weeds, and the list goes on.

4. The old lady who lives next door to you will yell at you about your yard. “When are you going to mow, it looks awful”, “Why are you mowing your yard, now I have to mow mine!”, “Your lawnmower put grass in my yard. You need to pick it all up.” Watch out for the old ladies, they will call the cops on your unruly yard.

5. Animals use it as a bathroom. I am literally maintaining an outdoor bathroom for the neighborhood stray cats. If I could only figure out how to plant catnip next door and get them to only use the old ladies yard as a toilet.

Thank goodness, I am a good southern girl, and my daddy now pays someone to mow my lawn. I guess all those years of cursing in the yard really paid off. See kids, if you curse a lot about doing something, God will hear you and send someone to do it for you. :)

God speaks… through post it notes

God speaks in mysterious ways, or so I have been told.

And his message was very clear.

I stood up the other day and this was stuck to my butt.

damn god has sexy handwriting

damn god has sexy handwriting

 

I am not certain if was telling me I  like boys or that he likes boys? But, Since we all know I don’t like boys clearly god was telling me that he is gay. Or he is a straight woman. Maybe the message wasn’t that clear after all.

What I learned in Grad School…

I am now a master.

I have learned quite a few life changing things while in grad school. Out of the goodness of my heart I have decided to share a few with you.

 

1. Putting a group of adults into one room for eight hours a day for an entire summer is a terrible idea. Somehow we made it out alive, yet I am not sure how.

 

2. If you are lucky people will leave you notes on how to use a toilet.

photo 1

 

Thank goodness I went to grad school! I had no idea you were supposed to flush these fancy things.

3. Good men still exist.

photo 2

 

Isn’t nice of this young man to warn girls ahead of time that he has a small dick.

 

4. If you tell your advisor that you are going to get shots, he will ask to come with you.

photo 3

 

5. Whatever anyone says it is totally worth it. Educate yourself people.

Blue Milk

This post was inspired by James Madden and rumplemintz shots:

We are feeding our children blue milk.

There was a time when they used to feed cows with leftovers from the beer breweries. This left the cows under nourished and in turn would cause them to make very thin milk. In order to conceal this from consumers they added chalk to the milk; leaving children drinking fake milk.

This is what is happening in the world of Mathematics textbooks.

Look at me! I'm bullshit math.

Look at me! I’m bullshit math.

Corrupt evil crappy geometry textbook companies, yeah that is you Pearson, Holt, and Glencoe,  got together with arrogant stupid fuck heads in the department of education. To create water downed mathematics. To the point where when you open a geometry text book it isn’t actual geometry. But NC, it looks like math to me. That my friends, is because you have been lied to for generations about  math.

You were taught blue math.

Your children are being taught  blue math.

And thus the sorry state of affairs America is in. Uneducated masses buying into the  bullshit from Fox news and Bobby Jindal.

The time has come to stop drinking blue milk my friends.

Wake the fuck up.

Oh the places we go…

My friends I know I have been gone far too long. Here are my very justifiable excuses:

1. Grad School Thesis- two weeks left fingers crossed

2. Family Vacation- went to the beach so be jealous

3. Took on a second job- I got 99 problems and bills are one.

 

Here is the epic beach trip we took for my daughters 3rd birthday. What? I have a three year old, but I look so young? I know I know its a curse :)

 

First we get into the car. Because obviously the government is still holding its transporter secret. Damn government. The first that happens is I see corn fields. When I used to see corn fields I would think children of the corn. Every damn time. Now I think “Is that GMO corn.” Dear god, I have gone over to the green side y’all. There is no hope for me. Save yourselves.

This corn will kill you! Watch out!!

This corn will kill you! Watch out!!

Now I realize I was in alabama, but apparently they need to let you know that if you are hungry you should eat.

I'm hungry, but not for your nasty food.

I’m hungry, but not for your nasty food.

You probably can’t see it but it says hungry in giant letters I promise. Then, I think well once I get to the beach I will safe from this food that is obviously trying to get me. And then this happens.

Did the SUV make it? I will never know.

Did the SUV make it? I will never know.

Sure, I could have been a good person and tried to help them from their inevitable demise by shark attack, but who are we kidding I am pro- choice, so we all know I don’t care about human life.

To come full circle on my satanic beach trip we all settled into the condo to play a little magic. Because nothing like casting spells and fighting the underworld to make you feel better about life.

Can you feel the evilness.

Can you feel the evilness?

 

Lies, Damned Lies, and Hand Soap

In the restroom at school someone felt the soap on the wall was not good enough, so they went out and bought this soap.

 

Looks like it may  have potential. I mean look at that green color. Vibrant!

Looks like it may have potential. I mean look at that green color. Vibrant!

 

I  saw it and thought to myself goodness, I did not know hand soap could be invigorating. So I stood there and pondered do I want the traditional soap, or the invigorating cucumber melon soap experience. I live life on the edge, so I went for the invigorating hand-washing experience. And guess what y’all, It was a huge disappointment. Not only did the soap make not bubbles, it barely smelled of cucumber melon. I left the restroom felling disappointed not invigorated. I had to stop other people from making the same mistake, so I went back and left this on the soap.

Problem solved

Problem solved

Preventing hand-washing disappointment one bathroom at a time, that’s my motto.

 

 

 

 

 

Motherhood Times Two

Here I am folks three months in to having two children. An almost 3 year old and a 3 month old. People told me that having two kids would be a nightmare similar to the zombie apocalypse. I was scared, hell I was terrified. Turns out having two kids rocks! It is way better than having one.

 

Here are some of the wonderful moments I have had since having two kids:

  1. Every morning my oldest comes in and looks at the baby. She gets the biggest smile and exclaims, “She got bigger  mommy!”
  2. My oldest is dramatic. As in a bug looked at me, so I need ice, a band-aid, juice and I will cry for five minutes, dramatic. My youngest thinks this is hilarious, so every time my oldest freaks out, she laughs at her.
  3. At the Dr. office I was getting my oldest’s cough checked out. I had the youngest (4 wks at the time) in my boba carrier. (yep I am totally a baby wearer). My oldest decided now was a good time to freak out, so the baby of course decided to poop. So I made the rookie mistake of changing the baby in my lap. AND she peed all over me. Then we had to go downstairs for chest x rays. So I was covered in pee, with two screaming children in a waiting room. Yes, I made wife leave work to come rescue me.
  4. My youngest loves to cuddle!! Baby cuddles may just be the best cuddles available.
  5. Just knowing that in a few short months, I won’t just have one dancing daughter I will have two J Because what I need in life is more tutu wearing performances.
  6. My oldest is potty trained, but not perfect. She has the uncanny ability to wait until I am nursing the baby to have the worst poop accidents.
  7. Each morning when I drop the baby off in her room at school, my oldest picks out the swing/rocker she will go in. She walks all around looks at each of them carefully and picks. It is pretty adorable.
  8. But, the best part of having two kids so far is the day care bill. Just kidding, that shit sucks monkey balls. My mortgage is smaller than my day care bill.

 

On a side note my oldest has promised to be my best friend forever. So, I will totally be avoiding those teenage years where she hates me. Planning ahead.