Tag Archives: humor

Lies, Damned Lies, and Hand Soap

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In the restroom at school someone felt the soap on the wall was not good enough, so they went out and bought this soap.

 

Looks like it may have potential. I mean look at that green color. Vibrant!

Looks like it may have potential. I mean look at that green color. Vibrant!

 

I  saw it and thought to myself goodness, I did not know hand soap could be invigorating. So I stood there and pondered do I want the traditional soap, or the invigorating cucumber melon soap experience. I live life on the edge, so I went for the invigorating hand-washing experience. And guess what y’all, It was a huge disappointment. Not only did the soap make not bubbles, it barely smelled of cucumber melon. I left the restroom felling disappointed not invigorated. I had to stop other people from making the same mistake, so I went back and left this on the soap.

Problem solved

Problem solved

Preventing hand-washing disappointment one bathroom at a time, that’s my motto.

 

 

 

 

 

Motherhood Times Two

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Here I am folks three months in to having two children. An almost 3 year old and a 3 month old. People told me that having two kids would be a nightmare similar to the zombie apocalypse. I was scared, hell I was terrified. Turns out having two kids rocks! It is way better than having one.

 

Here are some of the wonderful moments I have had since having two kids:

  1. Every morning my oldest comes in and looks at the baby. She gets the biggest smile and exclaims, “She got bigger  mommy!”
  2. My oldest is dramatic. As in a bug looked at me, so I need ice, a band-aid, juice and I will cry for five minutes, dramatic. My youngest thinks this is hilarious, so every time my oldest freaks out, she laughs at her.
  3. At the Dr. office I was getting my oldest’s cough checked out. I had the youngest (4 wks at the time) in my boba carrier. (yep I am totally a baby wearer). My oldest decided now was a good time to freak out, so the baby of course decided to poop. So I made the rookie mistake of changing the baby in my lap. AND she peed all over me. Then we had to go downstairs for chest x rays. So I was covered in pee, with two screaming children in a waiting room. Yes, I made wife leave work to come rescue me.
  4. My youngest loves to cuddle!! Baby cuddles may just be the best cuddles available.
  5. Just knowing that in a few short months, I won’t just have one dancing daughter I will have two J Because what I need in life is more tutu wearing performances.
  6. My oldest is potty trained, but not perfect. She has the uncanny ability to wait until I am nursing the baby to have the worst poop accidents.
  7. Each morning when I drop the baby off in her room at school, my oldest picks out the swing/rocker she will go in. She walks all around looks at each of them carefully and picks. It is pretty adorable.
  8. But, the best part of having two kids so far is the day care bill. Just kidding, that shit sucks monkey balls. My mortgage is smaller than my day care bill.

 

On a side note my oldest has promised to be my best friend forever. So, I will totally be avoiding those teenage years where she hates me. Planning ahead.

Stupid Humans and Their Stupid Word

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Word is out to get me

I cannot understand why word still sucks. I can have a video phone call on my personal hand held computer yet I cannot get my word document to number bullet points properly. Clearly this is because of the IRS that is out to get all americans.

To be quite frank I dislike word so much that I rarely use it. But, now I am forced to work in word everyday for my new job and it sucks the big one folks. And I am sensing that word has caught on to my dislike and is not out to get me.

First it is refusing to number my bullets within a table the way I want them numbered, then it starts adding numbers to the geometric images I had in the table then out of no where the images start jumping around the screen. I kid you not folks, flying triangles all over the place on my word document.

Clearly something is going on, but what?

Maybe someone has logged into my computer and is remotely controlling my word as a hilarious joke. I bet they are just laughing their asses off, until they read this and realize I’m from the south we shoot those that piss us off.

OK seriously, it just stopped writing numbers and started giving me weird symbols instead. The aliens are coming for me. Dear lord, I haven’t done everything I want to in life. I’m too young to be probed. I haven’t met Ani Difranco, even though she did wish me congratulations on my new baby because she knows my friend. And my friend was all NC had a baby because she knew my idol would care and she did care. Because we are kindred souls and she senses it, which I guess totally counts as meeting her, so ok aliens take me away, just give me the good drugs before you probe me please. I don’t want to remember this shit.

Maybe we are all already aliens and that is why word never works. It only works for humans. Damn you stupid humans and your stupid word.

x_files_23

 

Surviving the end of the world one diet coke at a time

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What do people do with boxes?

Huge piles of cardboard boxes

At work I get an all faculty email about once of week of someone needing boxes of all shapes and sizes? I have never needed oddly shaped boxes at school and thus I cannot fathom what they are doing with them.

Perhaps they are covering the walls in cardboard as a new hipster form of decorating?

Perhaps they are moving their house and need an individual box for each item in their house? Damn it, Susan where are the boxes that fit my star wars cookie cutters.

Perhaps they simply are box hoarders preparing for the apocalypse when only the ginger mormons are left standing and there is a civil war over boxes as it has become the currency.

Should I be collecting boxes? In the event of a zombie attack I don’t want to be left without boxes, maybe I should just start collecting diet cokes instead. Bc if the world ends and I have all the diet coke, I know I will have all the power because bitches be loving their diet coke.

diet1

creepy motherfuckers

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I don’t want to sound paranoid, but the internet is creepy. As in landlord putting cameras in your shower creepy.It is impossible to use the internet and keep information from people who want to find you. Seriously impossible. Thankfully my blog has no identifiable features that tie it to me in real life because I would be mad if I had to delete my blog and start over. I mean I have 2600 followers who  would be devastated.

creepy-neighbors-creepy-neighbors-chi-mos-child-molestors-mu-demotivational-poster-1270695719[1]

I am going to have to slowly delete myself from all things social online. Which totally sucks monkey balls. The extra hairy ones. What I want to know is why the hell is it ok for someone to be able to have a full criminal background check on you for the low low price of 19.95! The people that run these businesses are assholes. Yeah, you heard me. Assholes.

No one should be able to get on a computer and look up how much I owe on my house, car, etc. A satellite shot of my house. And a listing of all my social networks. That is total crap. I don’t usually buy into conspiracy theories, but come on people. What is really going on here?

Maybe serial killers invented the internet because they knew one day everyone would write all about their life everyday and give them easy access to the perfect victims. Name one click. Photos two clicks. Work schedule three clicks and five bucks. Done you are murdered. In the good old days serial killers had to spend years stalking their victims leaving evidence all along the way.

Or maybe ex girlfriends anonymous invented the internet? Want to make sure you ex is more miserable than you, well join our site for a low cost of 3.95 a month and we will send you updated photos every hour of their misery.

I often wonder if someone were to look over my giant internet footprint what they would think of me? Who would they think I am based on my tweets, instagrams, and facebook likes?

 

I suck at tweeting and so do you

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Somehow I have acquired over 2500 blog followers. Yet, I cannot seem to get over 100 twitter followers.

So I have decided I suck at tweeting. I know this to be completely true.

Here are some examples of my lame tweets that you are all missing out on:

twitter

 

1.There is a huge difference between a good apple and a shitty apple. I’m just saying.

2. Let’s be friends but never hang out. So strangers. Let’s be strangers.

3. I won’t say back pack Dora. You can’t make me.

4. Anyone up for a quick run? And by quick run I mean mimosa. We drink at dawn in Louisiana.

5. So little time so much to do. Good thing I’m magic.

6. Damn it Dora. No means no. I won’t say map either. Even if he comes with cool jazzy music.

7. The wife is cleaning up after me because that is what wives are for.

8. Sending prayers to the dryer gods Wait… There aren’t multiple gods controlling my laundry. Damn that was excuse for my clothes.

9. Camera- child one breaks into tomorrow from Annie with Jazz hands . Camera- child two death stare and goes still

 

 

Clearly I need more than 140 characters to write anything of any significance.

Are you a troll? Are you sure?

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I have noticed that some people do not realize they are being total trolls online. Its like they think everyone wants to hear their opinions. Why yes, I posted an article or thought online with the sole purpose of getting other peoples opinions. No.

Photo from Maximum Wage

Photo from Maximum Wage

Signs you might be an internet troll and need to get over yourself:

1. Are the comments you make more often than not negative or argumentative and you find yourself disagreeing with everyone?

-I hate to break it to you, but its you not me and we need to break up. Ha Ha just kidding, I would never date a troll.

2. You find that you think everybody is against you and you are the only logical one out there?

-Unless you are Mississippi.

3. You have no friends. Why would someone befriend a troll? I mean their hair is out of control.

-No the people in your AOL chat room are not your friends, in fact I’m pretty sure they are all the guy down the street with 100 cats.

4. If you have an opinion you can’t keep it in ever. It bubbles up under your skin until you explode all over the comment section and tell everyone they are wrong and you are right damnit!

-While everyone has the right to an opinion, time and place folks. Comment number 1532 is not the place, nor is the french bakery on a sunday  morning. Breakfast is off limits, don’t fuck with breakfast.

5. You feel like you don’t understand anyone today. Because you don’t. Trolls make judgements based on small pieces of internet writing and assume all kinds of things.

- The only way to get the whole story is face to face. Don’t get it twisted and all upset over 140 characters as if you know the whole story, and if the whole story is 140 characters its a lame story and not worth your time.

What your teacher is really thinking.

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There comes a time in every teachers life when they wake up and go I can’t take this shit anymore. Ok, Ok, this moment happens all the damn time.

You see your teachers have to put up with a lot and get very  little in return. Hey, I am not asking for much. It would be nice for kindness though. While I do appreciate the fact that teenagers are not always capable of seeing past their own noses, at times it is hard not to take it personally.

I thought you might enjoy a few of my insights into what your teachers are really thinking:

1. When a student gets really upset over a test grade and blames the teacher.

- this one is one of my favorite moments. I am almost always thinking, oh good, you did not do the work in my class, you don’t listen to a word I say, but please tell me more about how it is my fault you don’t understand. I did not realize I was supposed to do all your studying for you.

2. When a student complains that the lesson we are learning is stupid.

- Wow, you are so smart you know all there is to know about life and can already see that I am just making shit up to teach you for no apparent reason. Or maybe just maybe you need to know this. Perhaps.

3. The ever favorite, the teacher hates me.

- Who are you again? Or I’m sorry I was so busy teaching 100 + students, raising my family, completing grad school, and living my life I can’t remember what was said during class last hour. But, you are right I probably have nothing better to do than sit around and plot your doom.

4. When am I going to use this?

- Oh you mean when are you going to need to use math? Oh you don’t need to know math, hell congress can’t even balance a budget and they seem to have really good job security, great health benefits and a giant ass salary. You are right math is totally unnecessary in life. We should just throw out the books and watch MTV.

5. Complaints about the dress code

- These are my favorite. I do love hearing how the fact that you can’t wear flip flops is the end of the world. My two old thinks the same thing. Yep, I just compared your maturity to a two old.

Oh so you want an 8 month pregnant woman to slap you

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People wait until you are very very pregnant to say stupid stupid things to you. At this point you are oozing hormones out of places you did not know hormones could come out of, and this is not the time to start something with me.

Coworker: My I see someone is eating for two

Me: (in reality) stunned into silence (in my head) yes well my belly goes away after the baby comes out, what is your excuse

Brother in law: blah blah blah… babies die all the time…. blah blah blah

Me: ( in real life) you don’t know what you are talking about  (in my head) Too upset to process this.

Friend: Oh you will have to stay at the hospital for 4-5 days, I laugh when I think you want to leave before then ( we got permission from our dr to leave in 24 hours bc there is no need to stay in a hospital if you are healthy)

Me: Thats funny I don’t know of a single person who stayed that long, maybe 30 years ago when you had kids that was the case, but not anymore. ( in my head) really you are going to school me. I could dance circles around your lack of education fool.

Too many people to count: So what day are you having the baby? (literally, they wanted an exact date the baby would come)

Me: When I go into labor. (they did not like this response) ( in my head) um, seriously no one knows the exact day the baby comes stop asking me that. How the hell am I supposed to know.

Making a gaybie the 3rd trimester

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I have officially entered the pee every hour 24 hours a day point in my pregnancy. Exciting I know. I think I may start peeing on myself any day. Maybe I should buy some depends. Am I too young for depends? Nah. I am sure they come in sexy colors. Everything comes in sexy colors these days.

I meet with my doula pretty often at this point in the pregnancy.  I am very nervous about going natural, but I feel very good about the decision at the same time. Not sure if I will post my birth story here or not. I don’t really care for reading peoples birth stories unless it is someone I personally know, so I figure none of you want to read mine.

My hormones are raging at this point. My poor wife has to deal with the most of it, and then every time my dad talks to me I start crying, so he has started freaking out.

The best and worse part of the third trimester is the belly. The belly is finally big enough that you look pregnant to everyone, yet at the same time the belly is getting very uncomfortable. What I learned was with each pregnancy you get more and more uncomfortable throughout the whole process. Of course no one told me this before hand. Can’t break the motherhood rules.

The realness of the pregnancy truly sinks in as time runs at light speed toward your due date yet at the same time moves slower than humanly possibly. For me this causes severe nesting. I woke up one morning panic stricken that we needed to have everything ready right then for the baby. Of course it took us weeks to get everything ready, so I was a mess for weeks. Or maybe I was just getting super hormonal. Of course smack dab in the middle of the third trimester christmas fell and was beyond dramatic, but that story is for another day. What would one of my pregnancies be without a epic dramatic christmas?

Each time I looked down at my little belly I would wonder, is this the last time I’m going to be pregnant?

39 weeks and hitting up the mardi gras parades :)

39 weeks and hitting up the mardi gras parades :)

 

For your pleasure the funniest moment of this pregnancy:

Scene: Me 8 months pregnant and in line at walmart in front of two college girls.

Girls: (while looking at the tabloids) Wow look how beautiful Kesha is. Oh look at Kourtney Kardashian’s pregnant belly. I could never be pregnant. I mean look how big your bely gets. You just look down and there it is.

Me: You’re right it’s awful

Girls: (embarassed) OH we didn’t mean you, we meant the magazines

Me: (laughs at their embarassment and stupidity)

 

My beautiful bouncing girl made her debut on her due date after 12 hours of all natural labor :)

We are now a family of four Oh My!

p.s. I never peed on myself. Yay!